1 comments Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Michael Jackson is on the cover of Ebony this month looking like a million bucks.

In a completely unrelated story, a black stallion is missing its tail.

0 comments Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I can't get my itunes to show the umlauts in Mötley Crüe and I am stickler for authenticity.  Any suggestions?  Anybody?

1 comments Friday, October 12, 2007

So the big story is Al Gore winning the peace prize which is a joke on its own. Here are the other winners:

MEDICINE goes to Mario R. Capecchi, Sir Martin J. Evans and Oliver Smithies for "their discoveries of principles for introducing specific gene modifications in mice by the use of embryonic stem cells."

CHEMISTRY has been awarded to Gerhard Ertl "for his studies of chemical processes on solid surfaces."

PHYSICS has been awarded to Chad Kroger for "successfully converting fecal matter into sound waves."

LITERATURE goes to Dorris Lessing, the English novelist whose "prolific writing extends from the realistic to the fabulous."

0 comments Wednesday, October 10, 2007

If you've ever been pulled over or arrested, you know how helpless you can feel being at the mercy of the police. They have all the power and there is nothing you can do to even the playing field unless you feel like getting tasered or tacking on charges to your sentence.

Fear not, I have come up with a plan. Next time you are being frisked, handcuffed, or restrained, try this little tactic. Allow the policeman to do his job, then calmy tell him that you must confess, you are hiding something that may be illegal in the back of your underpants. Then take a shit right there in your pants, just go ahead and crap yourself. He will reach into your backside and sink his hand into a nice warm turd.

If you're questioned about it, say you got so nervous that you lost control and shit yourself. That isn't a crime.

Feel free to try this next time you're randomly selected at the airport.

0 comments Thursday, September 27, 2007

By now you've probably seen (or at least heard about) the compromising pictures of Oscar De La Hoya. If you haven't, it's not too hard to find them. Basically he is wearing panties and a wig and can be seen posing in positions that wouldn't exactly be described as masculine.

There has been much debate over the legitimacy of the photos. Stripper Milana Dravnel, seen in the photos with DLH, claimed they were real, then abruptly changed her story and admitted to faking them.

I will let other, less sophisticated bloggers debate whether the photos are real. Instead I raise the following question.

1 comments Thursday, September 20, 2007

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb made headlines recently by saying that black quarterbacks come under heavier scrutiny than their white counterparts. This comes after two lackluster performances by McNabb and an 0-2 start by the Eagles.

For the record, McNabb is correct. When it comes to his position there is still a considerable amount of racism in the NFL. Whether they are conscious of it or not, the brains behind many NFL teams clearly consider race as a factor when choosing a quarterback. It was this kind of thinking that sent Warren Moon to the Edmonton Eskimos in 1978.

Flash forward to 2006. Vince Young of the Texas Longhorns single handedly powers his team to the national championship and in the process turns in one of the greatest performances in team sports history in the Rose Bowl. He is arguably the best player available in the NFL draft and he plays the most important position on the field, quarterback.

He was not taken first in the draft despite his size, speed, throwing accuracy, arm strength, and proven ability to come through in a close game. Instead he was taken 3rd.

The reason Vince Young was taken 3rd and not first? He did not score well on the Wonderlic test, an intelligence test used by the NFL to determine if a player (particularly a quarterback) is smart enough to handle the complicated offenses and defenses of professional football.

The two players taken ahead of him, Mario Williams and Reggie Bush are both playing well for their respective teams but neither has had any where near the impact of Vince Young. He won rookie of the year and became the first rookie QB to play in the pro-bowl, clearly proving he is intelligent enough to handle the intricacies of an NFL offense.

So while I do think the NFL and the media surrounding it have come a long way since the days when it was accepted that blacks couldn't play quarterback, I do think that on some level this fallacy still persists in the minds of many.

Donovan McNabb on the other hand is completely washed up and currently holds the title of the most overrated player in the NFL. Last year after going 5-4 he got hurt then back up Jeff Garcia came in, went 5-2 and led the Eagles to the playoffs after everybody thought the season was over. This year he plain old stinks, but that doesn't make his statement any less true.

1 comments Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Not watching the Emmy awards the other night got me thinking. Who are the 5 funniest people on TV? I’m not talking about who is the best actor or any of that bullshit.  Straight up, who are the 5 funniest people on American TV right now?  Keywords being right and now.

Here they are.

5) Kenneth from 30 Rock (NBC)

4) Johhny Drama from Entourage (HBO)

3) Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock (NBC)

2) Murray from Flight of the Conchords (HBO)

1) Creed from the Office (NBC)

Honorable Mentions: Tracey Jordan, 30 Rock. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock.  Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm.


0 comments Wednesday, September 12, 2007

So a Texas Longhorn fan walked into a bar in Sooner country and left his balls inside. That's not a bad joke, it's one man's sad existence. Here is the real story.

OK, so his balls weren't completely ripped off, but they were dangling around his knees when he left so we can assume they're useless. How does something crazy like this happen in a sane world? Let me explain.

Basically what you have is a big guy (the Texas fan) and a little guy (the Oklahoma fan). The big guy probably walks into this bar wearing his favorite Texas shirt, expecting to get a little ribbing. He probably hears a few wise cracks, whatever. Then this little guy gets a few beers in him and starts mouthing off. Big guy has just about enough so he gets its in the little guy's face, thinks he's going to teach him a lesson. Now the little guy, he's not stupid, this dude has 40lbs on him so what's he do? He goes for the groin. Smart move. The big guy left himself open by wearing basketball shorts into the bar and the little guy took advantage and was able to wiggle his hand up there, grab hold of those plums and yank them like he was ringing a bell.

What's the big guy do now? Well, he has two choices. He could use his thumbs to permanently blind the man. That is probably his best bet, but as the article clearly states, the little guy can still see. So he missed that boat. This leaves him with option number two: find where the little guy lives and kill him in the night while he's sleeping. Good luck big guy.

1 comments Thursday, September 06, 2007

I get about 4 new credit card applications in the mail every week and if you have a pulse you probably get them too. These letters say you've qualified for some special deal, but really they are saying "please sign up for a credit card, buy something you don't need and miss a payment so we can bleed you like a leech." If I want a credit card I will take the necessary steps to get one, end of story.

I am starting a new trend that will hopefully put an end to these obnoxious credit card mailings and I'm asking you to join me. It only takes about 30 seconds of your time. From now on, every time you get a new credit card application simply open it up and remove the pre-paid return envelope from the rest of the crap inside. Take the application and whatever else is in there and shred it. Now take the shredded application, stick it in the pre-paid envelope and drop it in the mail.

Why should you be the one who has to throw that crap away? Let them do it. And since these scumbags are paying for postage, why not make them use it. Hopefully after they get about 100,000 of these they'll get the idea.

*If you don't have a shredder just tear it up, but I would remove any pieces containing your name and throw them away before you send it back just to be safe.

Please forward this idea to everybody or link them back to this page.


0 comments Sunday, September 02, 2007

You've probably heard by now that Senator Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for disorderly conduct in a men's room at the Minneapolis/ St. Paul airport. That can mean almost anything because disorderly conduct is a pretty far reaching term. Chances are you know somebody who got slapped with a disorderly conduct charge after their liquor got the better of them. In Senator Craig's case, however, disorderly conduct means trying to catch a handjob from a stranger while completely sober. This begs the question: can we file Senator Craig in that folder of conservative pundits like Pastor Ted Haggard and Congressman Mark Foley who stand firmly against homosexuality by kneeling down for a face full of cock?

Not so fast.  Representative Foley is a pedophile with a taste for young boys and working knowledge of the Internet.  Pastor Ted likes to get high on meth and top off his night by paying for sex with dudes. Those cats are fags.  

Larry Craig isn't gay. Larry Craig was lonely. People get lonely all the time.  Don't try to tell me you never got lonely in a turnpike bathroom and sought the warm refuge of another man's penis. I don't want to hear your lies and I don't have time for liars. If you want to sit there in front of your computer and tell me you've never felt all alone in the world while you pinched a loaf in an airport bathroom you're either a conjoined twin or a fucking liar.   Which one is it? 

Nobody likes being lonely and anybody will tell you that airport bathrooms and turnpike rests stops are two of the loneliest places in the world. It doesn't make you a gay if you and a couple of random dudes get together to make the loneliness go away then go home to your wives and never talk about it ever again. Quite the contrary. That is normal, Larry Craig is normal. You are the weird one with the other person growing out of your spine. You are the freak, the rest of us get lonely.

If you want to see that folder I was talking about, here it is.

0 comments Monday, August 27, 2007

According to who you choose to believe, Fidel Casto may already be dead. Fat internet douchebag Perez Hilton claims he died last week while the Cuban government claims he's doing fine. Personally I think he's alive, just old and sickly and probably looking like shit, thus not making any public appearances.

Let's assume he is dead. Ok, now what? There is supposed to be a big party in Miami. Why? What do you think is going to happen once he dies? He already handed control of the government over to his brother. What difference does it make if he's lying in bed sipping tea or lying in a box of dirt? Either way Cuba isn't "free". Starbucks and Walmart aren't going to roll in there and take over.

I don't see how it's much of a moral victory either - an 80 something man died peacefully of natural causes. He probably outlived 2/3rds of the people who had any legitimate reason to celebrate his death. We tried to kill this fucker a dozen times and couldn't. You didn't win, he did.

Nobody is going to get their shit back. Cuba is still communist and even if it weren't, you aren't getting your shit back anyway. People live there now. You might have a 60 year old peice of paper that says you own a spot of land, but the 50 Cubans living on it would beg to differ.

So why are we partying? Because a bad guy died after he lived a very long and extremely successful life? What sense does that make? Like I said, he won. He led a revolution and saw it all the way to the end. Whether you agree with him or hate everything he stands for, you have to admit he was successful. So anybody who wants to party it up when he dies must be a loser, because Castro is the winner here.

0 comments Friday, August 24, 2007

I was flipping through the pages of Life & Style, which is a weekly celebrity tabloid if you didn't know.


Because we get it at work and I had to take a shit. So I'm sitting there "reading" when I notice- there sure are a lot of exclamation points in this magazine. So I started to count them. I made it to page 61, about 2/3rds of the way through, then I finished my crap and the idea kind of lost its luster. I skipped over the advertisements because I figure that doesn't count. All told I counted 156 exclamation points. 156 exclamation points! And remember, I didn't make it all the way through. If I didn't run out of poop I bet I could have found 225.

For your viewing pleasure, 156 exclamation points in the shape of an exclamation point:



0 comments Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I’m usually a big proponent of technology and the change it levies on society. Generally, I stand up for science when people make claims of a slippery slope or going too far. That being said, I shutter to think that given today’s capabilities virtually anyone with a computer and an internet connection can know exactly where I am at any given moment.

Websites like Phone trace are popping up left and right, allowing visitors to enter a phone number and find the exact location of where the last call was made from. It used to be that a technology such as this would be reserved for the police or FBI. Now everybody has access to it. Frightening.

1 comments Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I'd like to talk to you today about opensource software. I am not an expert on this subject and don't claim to be. Hopefully this entry will serve as a starting point for others wishing to learn more about the opensource movement and possibly be a place where more knowledgeable folks can share what they know.

First off, what I do know about the opensource movement is that there is far too much information on both sides of the argument to get into it here. If you'd like to get into the specifics of the pros and cons, the history and the future, here is the wikipedia entry.

To those of you who are completely clueless on the subject, basically opensource (at least with regards to software) means that the source code is made publicly available. This means that users can alter the software to fit their needs or make general improvements to it - a.k.a, the shit is free.

Many of you already use Mozilla Firefox, an open source web browser that is every bit as good as (if not superior to) Microsoft's Internet Explorer. What you may not know is that many of your favorite programs have open source equivalents that are every bit as proficient as Firefox. For example:
Microsoft Office costs anywhere from $200 - $600 depending on what version you get.
Open Office is free and does everything Microsoft office can. It runs on Mac or Windows and includes
Writer - a word processor equivalent to Microsoft Word
Calc - a spread sheet = Microsoft Excell
Impress - a presentation program = Powerpoint
Base - a database program = Microsoft Access
Math - a program for editing mathematical formulae = Microsoft Equation Editor

When I say it is equivalent I mean it looks and operates just like the Microsoft program it is competing with. For example, OpenOffice Writer can read, modify and save Microsoft word documents. There are some discrepancies with regards to features but if your options are paying 200 bucks for Office or legally obtaining a program that is 95% identical, I recommend the latter.

Other opensource software includes:

Inkscape: a vector tool similar to Illustrator
GIMP: a raster graphics editor very similar to Photoshop.
Blender: a 3D animation program

There are also completely free operating systems available, such as Ubuntu. So your entire computer can be free from the grasp of Apple and Microsoft. I have never used Ubuntu or any other linux OS so I can't endorse or detract from them in any way.

There are many more opensource applications that are beyond my expertise. I welcome any of their users to comment on or explain their uses.


0 comments Sunday, August 12, 2007

Dear readers,
I was out of the country for the last few weeks, but I have returned and have many new bloggings to bring you. Expect a new entry shortly. Thank you for your loyal support.

1 comments Tuesday, July 17, 2007

As you sit here reading this over the Internet, chances are you have another window for another site open and chances are that site contains some porno.

The anonymity of the Internet fits so beautifully well with the solitary, secretive use of porn, that collectively they have been able to reach new heights. Porn companies around the globe can tap into previously unattainable markets and porn users from all corners of the world are but a click away from limitless debauchery. I am far from an expert in economics but my guess is you would have to go pretty far back in time to find a better example of when supply and demand were mutually fulfilled in such a way.

There was however a time, seemingly forgotten in the past, when men were forced to venture beyond the sanctity of their homes to quench this thirst for (two dimensional live action) pornography.

First there was the porno theatre. I can not speak on this in great detail as it was before my time and I have never been inside one. I can however, imagine what it was like and that image is not a pleasant one. Perhaps ther person most famously associated with this type of establishment is the great children's comedian Pee Wee Herman. By showing his pecker to his fellow theatre goers and subsequently being arrested for it, Mr. Herman has shown us just how far removed from this type of establishment we've become. The porno theatre was already on life support by the time of Pee Wee's arrest, now it is virtually extinct.

Privacy is the common theme here, as we move from what is essentially a circle jerk inside a theatre, to being able to rub one out in your own home. Enter the video store. Now porn hungry slobs could simply select a movie of their choice while in the company of others then retire to their home and do their business in private.

I know a thing or two about the back room of the video store. There are rules one must follow. And just as our friend Pee Wee learned inside the porno theatre, violating these rules can have its consequences. Rather than take up unnecessary space and risk interrupting the nice flow I've got going, you can simply view said rules and regulations here.

So in a span of less than 30 years we've gone from a collective group watching the same film, jerking off at the same time, to a collective group making individual choices and jerking off in private. That brings us up to the present day, where the Internet has allowed us to make a private individual choice before we retire in private to jerk off alone.

All three vessels, the theatre, the video store, and the Internet provide us with what we want - porno. However it is only the Internet that is able to provide it in such an individualized, privatized way.  

If you have half a brain I'm sure you realise that I'm not really talking about porn, but rather using it is a platform to address life in general and the role technology plays in our society.  

Thus, my question to you is this:  As we approach a society where individual accessibility (often marketed as a connected global community) has become the standard and where sharing is quickly becoming a thing of the past; how does that affect the psyche of man, who by way of God or nature is a communal creature?


2 comments Sunday, July 15, 2007

The American action film is dead. The United States has not produced a good action movie in close to 10 years. The last genuinely good, edge of your seat American action movie I saw was Kiss of the Dragon. That came out in 2001 and the writer, the director and 2 of the 3 leads were foreign born so I don't know if you can even count that as an American film.

Die Hard is without question the greatest action movie ever made. It reinvented the genre and it's probably the most borrowed from, mimicked film in cinema history. Why then did I not go to see the most recent installment of this franchise? Because I am tired of seeing wimpy, watered down, pansy-ass, pussy-foot PG-13 action movies.

There was once a time, not long ago when this great nation put out hard core, ass kicking, R-Rated action movies.  Movies like Death Wish, First Blood, Predator, Die Hard, Total Recall, Bloodsport, Robocop, Terminator, Aliens, etc. etc.  Look at the PG-13 pussy shit we have now: Pearl Harbor, XXX, Sahara, The Marine, The Transporter, etc. etc.  

Even Transformers which is based on some Hasbro play toys is softened up compared to the original CARTOON.  I don't expect the makers of Transformers to put out a hard R, but how could a cartoon aimed directly at children in the mid 80s be more intense than the live action film made in 2007 directed at those same children who are now adults?  That's fucking embarrassing.

Don't even get me started on Horror movies.

This is the new model for success in Hollywood -take an R-Rated classic, put it through the sissy cycle and remake as a PG-13 piece of trash that a bunch of 14 year old girls will go see before a sleep over.  

Here is short list of classic R- Rated movies currently being remade into PG-13 wastes of time:

The Warriors
Prom Night
Battle Royal
Foxy Brown
Police Academy
Revenge of the Nerds


1 comments Monday, July 09, 2007

It takes a lot of balls to walk out of your house with a rug on your head. And nowadays with hair regrowth treatments getting better and baldness more fashionably acceptable than ever before, the amount of balls it takes to put a toupee on your head and parade it around like it's your real hair is simply mind boggling.

Before I go any further, I don't want to hear any bullshit about "so and so doesn't wear a wig". Yes he does, and you are wearing a wig over your eyes if you don't think so.

Without further adieu, I give you the 5 ballsiest mother fuckers in the world.

5. Sam Donaldson - the news anchor has been the poster boy for toupee wearers for more than 40 years.

If there is a toupee wearer's hall of fame, Sam Donaldson is in it. No one has swung thier balls in the face of America longer than Sam Donaldson.

He is so closely associated with the toupee that if you're talking to someone who is unfamiliar with toupees, you can simply say "you know, like Sam Donaldson."

4. Ben Affleck- or as I call him Wig Wearin' Ben Affleck.

When he burst onto the scene in the late 90s, Wig Wearin' Ben Affleck's hair line was three quarters of an inch north of where it is today.

It's tough being a movie star because you have to look good all the time, especially when you can't rely on your acting chops to get you through the ups and downs of a career in hollywood. Wig Wearin' Ben has done pretty well for himself if you ask me.

3. David Thomson - Canada's richest man.

Don't let his geekish looks fool you. This guy is no computer whiz, he inherited his 22 billion dollars from his father.

What's the point of having all that money if you can't swing your balls in a great many faces? This man has 22 billion dollars, that’s exactly twenty one billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred eighty two more dollars than he has hairs on his head. That's ballsy!

2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - President of Iran.

This guy is considered one of the biggest threats to the United States. If his balls are big enough to walk around with that ridiculous wig on the top of his head, they are big enough to shun UN weapons inspectors.

Clearly this man doesn't give a fuck what people think about him, so long as they don't think he's bald. Does he have a nuclear weapon? I don't know. Does he have a persian rug sitting on the top of his head? Yes. Are his balls firmly pressed up against the face of the world? Yes indeed.

1. The dude from Quiet Riot.

This cat just don't give a fuck. He was balding...nay bald, in the mid 80s. He resurfaces in the late 90s with hair curtains that look like something out of Amadeus.

The sheer audacity of his wig catapults him the front of this list. He absolutely rules and his balls are the size of dinner plates.


5 comments Wednesday, July 04, 2007

There once was a time when I had nothing better to do than write silly letters. Some people have asked to see them so here they are in their original form. Each letter is its own post.

Orange Julius - 03/10/2003

VH1 - 05/04/2005

General Mills - 09/06/2005


1 comments Tuesday, July 03, 2007

July 4th, 2007 - perhaps the most anticipated showdown in the history of all mantimes. The six time undefeated, undisputed champion of the world Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi vs. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, the man who broke his unbreakable record.
If it's not enough that Chestnut already holds the world record, consider this: Kobayashi has acute arthitis of the jaw, an injury that could not only threaten his chances, but his career. To give people an idea how serious this injury is, imagine taking a sledgehammer to the foot of a world class sprinter a week before the Olympics. As of today, it is still unknown if Kobayashi will even compete in tomorrow's contest.

Some are claiming Kobayashi is hiding behind the injury because he's afraid of the American superstar. Others claim he is outright faking it. A fiddle playing friend of mine from a progressive folk rock band, told me:

"Kobayashi is being a pansy, he knows he's going to get creamed. "

Chestnut himself was quoting as saying:

"I hate to call anybody a coward, and I wouldn't call him that,
but I don't know. He's shown up the six previous years.
It's a strange coincidence, now that he's the underdog."

But is he really the underdog? Consider the facts: Yes, Chestnut's 59.5 HDBs (hot dogs and buns) is almost 5 better than Kobayashi's best. HOWEVER, Kobayashi has never been defeated by a mortal human. His only loss came against a 1,089 lb Kodiak Grizzly Bear. No man has stood shoulder to shoulder and bested him, including Chestnut. They have faced each other numerous times in the past, but each and every time the Tsunami washed him away.
It's one thing to break his record, it's another to stand across from him and defeat him. Until someone beats him, he is the champion.

2 comments Monday, July 02, 2007

It's not often that a personal vendetta makes its way into a blog, but today a bone of the personal sort must be picked. Today I am calling out Staples, who once again has lied to my FACE. Where is my rebate for $8.00 that I was supposed to get over a month ago?

Fact: I sent in all the forms in a timely fashion on April 2nd, 2007.

Fact: I was told my rebate would be processed and mailed to me in no later than 10 weeks.

Fact: It has now been exactly 13 weeks and 1 day and I have not recieved my $8.00.

This is not the first time Staples has tried to screw me. There is the time I paid for and ordered a personalized rubber stamp that was never made. That was $4.50. There is the time I bought a cordless phone and never got my $10.00 rebate that I was promised. So this time I saved all the paperwork and waited patiently for Staples to screw me and they walked right into my trap.

So I called Staples and confronted them about it. Here is the transcript of my conversation:

Staples lady: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: Where is my rebate?

Staple lady: ok, sir, hold on.

Me: Don't do it.

--I am put on hold--

Staples lady: have you calmed down?

Me: I'll calm down when I get my 8 dollars American.

Staples lady: What is your rebate number?

Me: (I give the number)

Staples lady: Your rebate is in the final stages of processing.

Me: Let's talk straight talk. You weren't going to give me my rebate were you?

Staples lady: We are.

Me: Liars make me sick to my stomach.

Staples lady: I am going to put an immediate rush on your rebate.

Me: Thank you.

Staples lady: You should get your rebate in about 2 weeks.

Me: 2 weeks is an immediate rush?

Staples lady: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: No, you have been very helpfull.

0 comments Friday, June 29, 2007

In lieu of the bizarre and tragic deaths of Chris Benoit and his family I thought it appropriate to examine what seems to be a disturbing trend in professional wrestling: the untimely deaths of so many of its stars.

Wrestling fans know that many of their childhood heroes have died young. HERE is a list of wrestlers I grew up watching who did not live to be 50.

I have not examined any of these deaths in great detail and by no means am I a medical expert, but I have my theories for why such a trend exists.

1) the tremendous size of most of these men. Carrying around 300, in some cases 500lbs or more is very taxing. You don't see many 350lb men over the age of fifty in any walk of life.

2) the pressure to be big and the use of steroids. Steroid use was rapant during the peak of a lot of these careers. Side effects are numerous and can include heart disease, paranoia and depression.

3) the pressure to perform and the use of painkillers. When your job consits of falling from great heights and being dropped on your head, chances are you're going to be in a lot of pain. Painkillers are regularly used so these guys can perform day in and day out.

4) narcotics and the rock star lifestyle. You've heard the theory that rockstars use drugs to match the adrenaline high of being on stage, to keep the party going if you will. Same applies here.

Mixing drugs, whether they be steroids, painkillers, prescriptions, alochol, cocaine or anything else, can be a deadly combination.

5) bad luck. Sometimes being in the wrong place at the wrong time is all it takes.


0 comments Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Expect to see fireworks when demographics clash! Larry King has landed the exclusive interview with parolee, Paris Hilton. It airs tonight on Larry King Live.

I wonder if King, who briefly did time back in '71 for trying to pass some bad checks, will tell any of his own prison stories?Probably not.

0 comments Monday, June 25, 2007

Because the crap hitting theatres this summer is so bad, I am introducing a new way to critique movies. Rather than reward a film for how good it is, my scale gives points for stinking. The worse the movie, the more turds it gets.



a terrible shit storm=

a mindboggling projection of feces=

Hopefully this new system can help you warn your friends and family before they walk into an impending shit storm.

If you plan on seeing any of the following, be advised:

Spiderman 3 , Shrek 3 , Pirates of the Carribean 3 , Fantastic 4 - fuck it, anything with a number in the title. Oh, and Bug.

1 comments Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Douchebaggery is a very serious problem facing our society. This post will help you locate and identify douchebags. Should you discover that you are a douchebag, this post will help you rejoin the rest of society. It will be updated and modified as Douchebags change over time.

If you're not a cowboy but you roll your own cigarettes then you're probably a douchebag.

If you've ever lifted weights in a knit cap, YOU might be a douchebag. While we're at it, let's add collared shirt to that list.

If you've ever left your house looking like this, then you're a douchebag.

Just in: Jeff Bagwell has tested positive - for being a douchebag.

3 comments Monday, June 18, 2007

I knew going in that Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer was going to stink. I left the theatre amazed at how phenomenally bad it was. I was hoping at least for a visually stimulating action movie with no plot. Instead they tried to piece together what could be considered a character driven story, proving that in some extreme cases, character development actually hurts film making. But alas, that is a blog for another day.

Without getting too geeky, allow me to critique some of their choices.
First off, Jessica Alba didn't even look like a fucking human being. They gave her this bleach blond hair and these ridiculous contact lenses that made her look an android crossed with something out of the movie Dune.

Oh, but in the comics Sue Storm has blonde hair and blue eyes and comic fans don't want to see a hot Latina play Sue Storm. It has to be authentic. So they Anglicize, nay, Aryanize Jessica Alba but have no problem turning Galactus, who is supposed to look like this:
into this:

If you want to know more about the awesome being that is Galactus. By all means, here are some links:
Marvel database
Wikipedia entry

If you took the time to read the information provided by either of those links, or if you've ever read a Silver Surfer comic book, you would know that Galactus is a being with limitless power. The Silver Surfer, who may be able to defeat the Fantastic Four with relative ease, is but a gnat to Galactus. So in the end when he blows himself up or whatever that is he does to prevent Galactus from eating Earth, that would be like if you stepped on a tac and it prevented you from drinking a glass of water after you spent two days walking through the desert.

A spoiler warning might go here, but I doubt anyone is still reading - so fuck it, I'm going to continue.

Dr. Doom is also misrepresented, as well as the Surfer himself. That bit in the movie about the Surfer getting his power from his board is bullshit. If he is separated from his board he doesn't wither into a creature so weak he can barely stand, as depicted. Quote the Marvel website:

"The Surfer's board is composed of the same impervious, cosmic-powered silvery material as its master's skin, and is mentally linked to the Surfer; it moves in response to his thoughts, even when he is not in physical contact with it. The board is almost totally indestructible, but on those rare occasions where it has been damaged or destroyed, the Surfer has been able to repair or even re-create it."

In the comics, standing on the Surfer's board does not give you his powers. In the film Dr. Doom steals the board and gets the Surfer's powers. Then Johnny Storm combines his powers with the Thing and Mr. Fantastic and is able to defeat him. By that logic it would mean that the Super Skrull (see photo) could defeat the Surfer. That's not going to happen.

Basically what I'm saying is, why spend 10 dollars on a ticket when you can just scoop up some dog shit and throw it at a screen for free.

0 comments Friday, June 08, 2007

It has been requested that I give my two cents on Paris Hilton's sentencing. I was previously asked to weigh in on Michael Richard's racial trade and I did not, so I thought it only fair to speak on behalf of Ms. Hilton. I'll do my best to make it entertaining.

If getting 45 days in jail seems a little harsh for driving on a suspended license that's because it is. Chances are if you were in the same predicament as Ms. Hilton, you'd do a weekend in the slammer and then a year or so probation.

That being said, a crime of this nature is punishable by 45 days in jail and it's up to the judge to decide how much of that the defendant should serve. The judge has the authority to sentence whatever he deems appropriate within the limits of the law. The jerk off Sheriff decided that she'd had enough and let her out after 3 days. That pissed the judge off so he threw her back in jail.

This isn't Oklahoma circa 1840, the sheriff doesn't get to let you out of jail whenever he thinks you learned your lesson.

Do I feel bad for her? Sure. But 45 days from now she'll be a millionaire again and I'll still be making 12 bucks an hour, so no, not really. But let's examine the facts anyway.

Fact: she was pulled over not once, but twice for driving on a suspended license. And you know those weren't the only two times she drove when it was suspended. She probably drove around thinking her shit didn't stink, but guess what?

Fact: all shit stinks. You can eat a bouquet of flowers, but when it comes out the other end it's gonna smell like shit.

Fact: any sentence less than 24 months is served in a county jail. Nobody in there raped anybody. She's not going to Riker's Island. She's in there with a few prostitutes and a bunch of old ladies who got caught forging prescriptions. And she's in the Beverly Hills jail. There's probably like 9 black people in there. I could do 45 days there standing on my head.

Fact: this is the best thing that could ever happen to her "career". She does the 45 days, she gets a few people feeling sorry for her, she comes out and bingo she's Hugh Grant. If she did 3 days then spent the next 40 pool side at her mansion people would be pissed off.

Fact: the punishment may be harsh, but let's not lose site of the fact that she's actually guilty.

0 comments Wednesday, May 30, 2007

You may find the following fascinating and difficult to believe, but like everything else posted on this blog, it is 100% entirely true.

It began on June 17th, 2004 in Alphala, Georgia when the now legendary beast, Hogzilla was gunned down by a mortal man named Chris Griffin. Like Beowulf before him, his story is being turned into a major motion picture.

Hogzilla and the man who slain him.
The mighty Hogzilla was more 8 feet in length and weighed more than 800lbs. The razor sharp tusks he used to eat children and destroy mobile homes were 16 inches long.

Hogzilla was proof that the PBR sold in rural Georgia did not contain hallucinogens, and these people were in fact NOT CRAZY.

Not long after Hogzilla's demise, a new terror rose. This time in rural Florida. I am of course referring to the beast that was...Hog Kong.

Hog Kong: 1,140 lbs

Then...just when you thought it was safe to go back in the woods of the rural south: I give you the Coursey Hog. On January 5th, 2007 - William "Bill" Coursey shot and killed the 1,100 lb hog that bears his name.
Mighty "Bill" Coursey and his big hog.

What, you ask, could be bigger than Hogzilla, more fearsome than Hog Kong and more terrifying than the Coursey Hog? Behold... Monster Pig aka Pigzilla.

Just last week, young Jamison Stone, armed only with his custom made Smith &Wesson M500 somehow brought down the creature now known as Monster Pig.
Monster Pig: 9 ft. 4in - 1,054lbs

Surely Monster Pig is the largest beast to ever roam the earth you say. To that I say feast your eyes upon 1,980lbs of Ton Pig.

The beloved Ton Pig
(He died from obesity in 2004)

UPDATE: The true origin of Monster Pig has been revealed!
Monster Pig was actually a pig named Fred, not a feral hog as originally thought.

0 comments Monday, May 21, 2007

Question: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

Answer: Yes, but one person must be really good looking and it is usually one sided.

3 comments Saturday, May 19, 2007

Behold, the DePalma rule:

If you make three shitty movies in a row that's it. You're done.

I don't care how good your other movies are (Scarface, Casualties of War, The Untouchables, etc) if you make three stinkers in a row, without a decent flick in between, you get kicked out of Hollywood. It's that simple. If Sammy Sosa swings and misses three times in a row, he's out. The umpire doesn't tell him to go ahead and have another crack at it.

Make two pieces of shit and then do something decent, you're in the clear, your count goes back to zero. But three pieces of shit in a row and you're out. You have to start over at the beginning with all the punks coming out of film school.

Let's examine the history:
In 1998 Brian DePalma directed Snakes Eyes. It sucked.
He followed it up with another turd, Mission to Mars.
He comes back with Femme Fatale. Now at this point he should be done, that is three in a row. Instead he is allowed to continue and what do we get? We get The Black Dahlia. Another piece of shit.

Using the DePalma rule let's see who else should be kicked out of Hollywood.

M. Night Shyamalan.
Signs = Suck
The Village = Suck
Lady in the Water = You're out, you had a good run, now go home.

Kevin Smith
Jersey Girl = Suck
Clerks II = Suck
Your next movie better kick ass.

You get the idea. Feel free to add to the list.

0 comments Friday, May 11, 2007

Some recent "news", click on the links if you haven't seen them already.

Bruce Willis and 5,000 other people were drunk at an NBA playoff game, but because he is Bruce Willis he was given some face time. He cursed on the air and the announcer had to appologize to the audience for his obscene language. Not a big deal.

Alec Baldwin left an angry message on his daughter's voice mail and caught shit for it. First off, it's his daughter, he can say anything he wants to her. If I had a nickel for every time my parents called me a "fucking idiot", I could get anything I wanted at the dollar store. Second, who knows what she said or did to set him off. Supposedly she was required by a court to answer the phone as part of his visitation rights. He probably planned his day around this conversation. Third, he left it on her voice mail, he didn't even say it to her directly. And finally, it's his daughter, it's his job to give her shit for acting like an idiot.

David Hasselhoff's daughter video taped him drunk out of his skull, lying on the floor, eating a hamburger. The Hoff had to issue a statement about him being an alcoholic and having this relapse and how ashamed he is and blah blah blah. All I see is a guy in some tight jeanos trying to enjoy a hamburger while his punk kid sticks a camera in his face. So he was drunk, big deal. He wasn't driving a school bus. Let the man eat his burger.

Monday, May 07, 2007

I signed on to write another tasteless and mildly funny observation, most likely about why Nickleback sucks so much, but now I'm just not in the mood.

Diego "Chico" Corrales, the most exciting fighter of his generation, died today in a motorcycle accident. He was 29.

Diego Corrales
August 25, 1977 - May 7, 2007

2 comments Sunday, April 29, 2007

How come the drumsticks they sell at the grocery store are like 3 times bigger than the drumsticks you get when you order wings? Where do they find these tiny chickens with little tiny legs?

1 comments Saturday, April 28, 2007

I had to drop off a package in Santa Monica today. Seconds after I made the delivery I realized there was no way I could make it home without crapping my pants. Desperate, I surveyed the area. It was after 6 on a Friday and all of the offices were closed. I tried every door in sight and they were all locked. Only two places were open, a hair salon and a some kind of massage parlor for old people. I assessed the situation and decided the only way I could avoid an accident was to go in for a trim. It cost me 40 bucks, thus making it one of the most expensive dumps I've ever taken, second only to the time I had to reupholster my grandmother's couch.

0 comments Sunday, April 22, 2007

I was filling up the gas tank yesterday when a bum approached and asked me for spare change. I used my card to buy the gas and didn't have any change so naturally I pretended like I couldn't see or hear him. 1 Would I have given him change had it been convenient? No, of course not. But, it did get me thinking: what will bums do when our society moves to a paperless credit system? The amount of cash the average person carries has gone down over recent years due to increased use of credit and debit cards 2 leaving bums with fewer and fewer business opportunities. This would be like if you sold combs for a living and all the sudden everybody went bald.

1: He was only a foot away so I pulled my shirt over my nose because he smelled bad, thus giving myself away.
2: I have no evidence to back this up, but it seems like it makes sense.

2 comments Saturday, April 07, 2007

I took a dump the other day that was so big, when I stood up and had a look at it I seriously thought for a second that a gila monster had crawled up through the sewer and was living in my toilet.

True Story.

0 comments Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Why is it that every time I walk into a locker room somebody is standing directly in front of my locker? I can walk into an empty locker room with 200 open lockers and like clock work there will be one other guy in there, taking his shit out of the locker above mine.

And why does he never have bottoms on? I understand that nobody likes crotch rot, but do you have to air dry your balls in front of my locker? What kind of animal puts his shirt and tie on before he addresses the fact that he's naked from the waist down, save for his socks?

There has to be some great mind out there willing and able to invent something more efficient and less disgusting than a piss filled locker room. Supposedly we can put a man on the moon yet I can't take my shirt off with out brushing past some guy's nuts.

1 comments Sunday, March 25, 2007

This might be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Are we seriously making wreaths for Easter now? Is that what we're doing?

When did the unabashed merging of holidays begin and more importantly where does it stop?

Fuck it. Why not take our balls out on this one? Bring in a whole Easter tree, maybe something for Spring, like a nice fig. Dangle some baby teeth from it, glue some pink hearts to it, put a big ol' jack-o-lantern on top.

Oh yeah, that will really get the Jew's jealous.

8 comments Tuesday, March 13, 2007

OK, so Sylvester Stallone was caught with banned substances (i.e. steroids) in Australia. He had 48 vials of human growth hormone which seems like a lot and probably is. He's an old man desperately trying to hold onto the shadow of his youth and he is the only movie star to ever take steroids, ever.

Could you imagine what it would be like if other Hollywood stars took performance enhancing substances?
Like, oh, I don't know, these guys:

3 comments Thursday, March 08, 2007

Few action stars possess the charisma of a Steven Seagal, even fewer possess the range. Seagal teaches us that the key to playing a bad ass character is having a bad ass name and Seagal is the master of bad ass character names.

Here are his five best:

5. Nico Toscani, Above the Law (1988)

Nico Toscani uncovers a deadly weapons trade after a drug dealer he busted is set free by some scumbag federal agents. This former CIA opperative turned badass Chicago detective is forced to go Above the Law to settle the score.

4. Casey Ryback, Under Seige (1992)
When scumbag terrorists take over the U.S. battleship where former Navy Seal Casey Ryback works as a bad ass sous chef, he must go Under Seige to settle the score.

3. Jonathan Cold, Black Dawn (2005)
I haven't seen this film, but I read the review and this is what it says: Badass CIA agent Jonathan Cold goes undercover to settle the score with a group of scumbag terrorists before they blow up Los Angeles. Tagline: "It's always darkest before dawn."

2. Gino Felino, Out for Justice (1991)
When that scumbag Richie shoots Bobby Lupo in broad daylight, the badass Brooklyn detective Gino Felino decides to settle the score and goes Out for Justice.

1. Mason Storm, Hard to Kill (1990)
Mason Storm spends seven years in a coma after he and his family are gunned down by some scumbags. Unfortuntaley for them, Mason Storm is a complete badass who is extremely Hard to Kill. He wakes up with a really long beard, shaves it off, then settles the score.

Now see if you can match the character with his picture:

A. Nico Toscani
B. Casey Ryback
C. Jonathan Cold
D. Gino Filino
E. Mason Storm


Answer Key: 1. Mason Storm 2. Gino Filino 3. Nico Toscani 4. Jonathan Cold 5. Casey Ryback

1 comments Tuesday, March 06, 2007

If you're the type of pretentious douchebag who likes to talk on your cellphone while you're in the elevator, you aren't allowed to give me a dirty look when I take my cellphone out and start talking twice as loud, regardless if there is someone on the other end or not.

2 comments Sunday, March 04, 2007

We joke about balls here a lot on Verborrhea, but today I want to talk about a serious threat to the health of your testicles: the Microwave.

I don't completely trust the microwave. I'm not totally convinced it doesn't summon the flames of hell to reheat my pasta fagioli. But lets assume for a second that it does in fact use microwaves as its primary cooking agent.

I challenge anyone to press their bare balls up against the door of their microwave for the duration of usage, every time it's used, for one year. To date noone has accepted the microwave challenge, backing up my theory that the microwave is not safe for home use.

When operating your microwave, I recommend protecting your testicles and any other valuables you may want to preserve by wearing a suit like the one pictured.

You may also want to consider destroying your microwave and opting for a more logical cooking solution, like matches. Remeber, it is always better to be safe then sorry.