1 comments Monday, September 29, 2008

Using a photo lifted from Google image search and Microsoft paint I have created this timely political cartoon.

1 comments Friday, September 26, 2008

John McCain, winner of tonight's yet to occur presidential debate,  has not only vanquished his democratic opponent, he has bested the space-time continuum. 

The complicated laws of space-time which govern our universe came up short against the crafty Senator from Arizona.  In a brilliant move, Senator McCain pretended to call off the debate so he could return to Washington and fix our economic woes.  But while a dummy McCain sat quietly through the emergency bailout meetings, the real McCain was in Mississippi, 36 hours ahead of everyone else.

The critics who chastised McCain for suspending his campaign, flying to Washington and sitting on his hands, not talking, not offering an opinion, not really doing anything while his peers discussed how to solve the problems on Wall Street, will be shocked to learn that was only a dummy.  The real McCain tore through the fabric of space-time like it was a pair of delicate panties.

McCain reemerged from the future this morning, covered in a thin layer of goo and looking fatigued when he declared his victory by way of Internet advertising.  

0 comments Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Oh man.  Did Lohan pick the wrong week to fake being gay or what?
What would have had to happen for something other than this story to make the cover of People magazine?  Travis Barker and DJ AM almost died in a fiery plane wreck and all they got was a tiny little box off to the side.  Same with the people who got all dolled up for the Emmys.  Tough shit ladies, Clay Aiken is gay!

You want to know what's gay?  Coming out of the closet in People magazine is gay.  George Michael came out after he got caught trying to pass himself off in a turnpike shithouse.  That's how a man comes out of the closet, with a dick in his hand, not holding a baby.

3 comments Monday, September 22, 2008

You know how when an actor gets replaced by another actor on a TV show or in a sequel, like they did with Mrs. Banks on the Fresh Prince.  I call this getting gyllenhaaled. Because when Tobey Maguire said he hurt his back filming Seabiscuit and didn't want to shoot some of the scenes in Spiderman 2, the producers threatened to replace him with Jake Gyllenhaal.  And when Katie Holmes couldn't cut the mustard in Batman they replaced her with Maggie Gyllenhaal.  And on the TV show Entourage, when the fictional Vinnie Chase decided not to star in Aquaman 2 and they replaced him with you guessed it...Jake Gyllenhaal.

But did you know?

Rock and Roll High School Forever starring Corey Feldman was supposed to also star Corey Haim, but he got gyllenhaaled because he was all fucked up on the drugs so an actor by the name of Evan Richards did a Corey Haim impersonation instead.  Now dig on this: Corey Feldman, who provided the voice of Donatello in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, got gyllenhaaled out of the sequel because he was all fucked up on you guessed it...the drugs.  He did come back for the third installment.

For my money though, the greatest gyllenhaaling of all time: the Back the Future trilogy. Everybody knows Elizabeth Shue gyllenhaaled the girl who played Marty's girlfriend in part I, but did you know this: Crispin Glover played George McFly in the first one, but Jeffrey Weissman portrayed him in parts II and III.  Through the use of prosthetics and a really good Crispin Glover impersonation almost nobody could tell.

0 comments Friday, September 19, 2008

Unless you've been living under a rock, you already know that "endurance artist", David Blaine has announced his newest and most dangerous stunt.

Starting September 22nd he will be suspended 50 feet above Central Park's Wollman Skating Rink, without a net, for 60 straight hours.

But don't worry. He will be using magnetic boots so there is absolutely zero chance of him falling. And he'll be above a skating rink so it will be really hard to throw shit at him from the slippery ice below.

The real danger will be taking place inside Blaine's body where the rush of blood to his head could cause him to go blind and/or have a brain hemorrhage. He also faces the very real threat of pissing in his own face which could contribute to the blindness thing.

Blaine's past stunts include being buried underground and being encased in a block of ice. He holds the world record for holding one's breath and has taken the world's longest shower.

In addition to his death defying stunts, he is an accomplished magician and bullshit artist, most famous for his failed attempt to make Dick Cheney appear likable.

2 comments Thursday, September 18, 2008

On my way to work this morning I saw a woman pushing a dog in a stroller.  The following took place inside my brain over the course of about one second:

That is the ugliest baby I've... Oh shit, devil spawn, kill it.   Wait, no.  I've been dosed.  Just go home and ride it out.  The boss will understand, he used to party.  Wait, is that? Ohhhh, I get it now. This person is a crazy maniac.

When I got to work I googled "psychos and dogs" and I found out a lot of stuff... like, they make strollers for cats too.

0 comments Wednesday, September 17, 2008

For the first time in the history of the world, something other than porn is attracting the most Internet traffic.  According to a new study out of Australia, social networking sites are now the most visited destinations online, usurping the previous king of the Internet... titties.   Oh really?

So the modern teenage boy is no longer satisfied by the unattainable women of eastern Europe whose brimming mouths mumble barely coherent English.  Entertain if you will, my theory:  
The object of adolescent fantasy has come full circle.  Today's teenager, like his pre-Internet ancestors before him, fills his fancy with the young ladies of his very own home town.  Now, teenage boys everywhere, nerds and jocks a like, can electronically befriend the big tittied cheerleader who showed a little too much side boob in a facebook bikini pic. They can pull up photos of the pretty girl from Spanish class who didn't notice the camel toe on her myspace page.  Behold! The easy girl who never wears a bra to gym, wears nothing but a bra online!  With the click of a mouse these boys are whisked away to a sleepover that took place last month, last week or even last night.   

And you thought they were looking at something other than titties.  Shame on you.  The golden age of the Internet is truly upon us. 

0 comments Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Allow me to revisit something that happened a while back.  John Edwards, while running for President, cheated on his wife... who was recovering from cancer.  His political career is over.  I think we can agree on that.  Why he would risk what he risked when he risked it is beyond me.  But hold on, that's not exactly why I'm so perplexed.  

His mistress gave birth to a baby and he was asked if the baby was his.  He claimed there was no way it could be his because of the timing of the affair.  Stop.  Does anybody else see a problem here?  How about "There is no way it could be mine because I wore a rubber."  Anybody?

Am I crazy?  Because basically he is saying, "yeah, not only did I cheat on my wife who had cancer while I was running for president, I went in bareback and blew a load in this chick, but don't be crazy, the kid's not mine, the timing's all wrong".  

Does anybody really think for a second that it's not his kid? I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but for fuck's sake.  How about throwing a dome on it, Johnboy.

0 comments Monday, September 15, 2008

Righteous Kill was #3 at the Box Office!

0 comments Thursday, September 11, 2008

The McCain campaign took full advantage of Obama's choice of words this week, contorting them into a much talked about ad.  Here is it:

But what's this?  Oh snap!  It's Senator McCain using the same, very common expression.