1 comments Sunday, March 25, 2007

This might be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Are we seriously making wreaths for Easter now? Is that what we're doing?

When did the unabashed merging of holidays begin and more importantly where does it stop?

Fuck it. Why not take our balls out on this one? Bring in a whole Easter tree, maybe something for Spring, like a nice fig. Dangle some baby teeth from it, glue some pink hearts to it, put a big ol' jack-o-lantern on top.

Oh yeah, that will really get the Jew's jealous.

8 comments Tuesday, March 13, 2007

OK, so Sylvester Stallone was caught with banned substances (i.e. steroids) in Australia. He had 48 vials of human growth hormone which seems like a lot and probably is. He's an old man desperately trying to hold onto the shadow of his youth and he is the only movie star to ever take steroids, ever.

Could you imagine what it would be like if other Hollywood stars took performance enhancing substances?
Like, oh, I don't know, these guys:

3 comments Thursday, March 08, 2007

Few action stars possess the charisma of a Steven Seagal, even fewer possess the range. Seagal teaches us that the key to playing a bad ass character is having a bad ass name and Seagal is the master of bad ass character names.

Here are his five best:

5. Nico Toscani, Above the Law (1988)

Nico Toscani uncovers a deadly weapons trade after a drug dealer he busted is set free by some scumbag federal agents. This former CIA opperative turned badass Chicago detective is forced to go Above the Law to settle the score.

4. Casey Ryback, Under Seige (1992)
When scumbag terrorists take over the U.S. battleship where former Navy Seal Casey Ryback works as a bad ass sous chef, he must go Under Seige to settle the score.

3. Jonathan Cold, Black Dawn (2005)
I haven't seen this film, but I read the review and this is what it says: Badass CIA agent Jonathan Cold goes undercover to settle the score with a group of scumbag terrorists before they blow up Los Angeles. Tagline: "It's always darkest before dawn."

2. Gino Felino, Out for Justice (1991)
When that scumbag Richie shoots Bobby Lupo in broad daylight, the badass Brooklyn detective Gino Felino decides to settle the score and goes Out for Justice.

1. Mason Storm, Hard to Kill (1990)
Mason Storm spends seven years in a coma after he and his family are gunned down by some scumbags. Unfortuntaley for them, Mason Storm is a complete badass who is extremely Hard to Kill. He wakes up with a really long beard, shaves it off, then settles the score.

Now see if you can match the character with his picture:

A. Nico Toscani
B. Casey Ryback
C. Jonathan Cold
D. Gino Filino
E. Mason Storm


Answer Key: 1. Mason Storm 2. Gino Filino 3. Nico Toscani 4. Jonathan Cold 5. Casey Ryback

1 comments Tuesday, March 06, 2007

If you're the type of pretentious douchebag who likes to talk on your cellphone while you're in the elevator, you aren't allowed to give me a dirty look when I take my cellphone out and start talking twice as loud, regardless if there is someone on the other end or not.

2 comments Sunday, March 04, 2007

We joke about balls here a lot on Verborrhea, but today I want to talk about a serious threat to the health of your testicles: the Microwave.

I don't completely trust the microwave. I'm not totally convinced it doesn't summon the flames of hell to reheat my pasta fagioli. But lets assume for a second that it does in fact use microwaves as its primary cooking agent.

I challenge anyone to press their bare balls up against the door of their microwave for the duration of usage, every time it's used, for one year. To date noone has accepted the microwave challenge, backing up my theory that the microwave is not safe for home use.

When operating your microwave, I recommend protecting your testicles and any other valuables you may want to preserve by wearing a suit like the one pictured.

You may also want to consider destroying your microwave and opting for a more logical cooking solution, like matches. Remeber, it is always better to be safe then sorry.

3 comments Friday, March 02, 2007

John Travolta was launched into stardom following his acclaimed performance in the now classic Saturday Night Fever, but after he followed it with crappy film after crappy film he was relegated to B-movie status and his career became a punch line.

As you probably know, his career was revived by another acclaimed performance in another classic film: Pulp Fiction. Since then Travolta continued his streak of crappy film after crappy film, yet this time his career thrives. I call this THE TRAVOLTA PARADOX.

The poop that Travolta smeared all over the screen from '77 to '94 is actually better than the fecal matter which he has splattered the screen with post '94. Examine if you will the evidence:

Urban Cowboy, 1980
Blow Out, 1981
Staying Alive, 1983
Two of a Kind, 1983
Perfect, 1985
The Experts, 1989
Look Who's Talking, 1989
Look Who's Talking Too, 1990
Look Who's Talking Now 1993

compare that to:

Mad City, 1997
A Civil Action, 1998
Primary Color, 1998
The General's Daughter, 1999
Battlefield Earth, 2000
Lucky Numbers, 2000
SwordFish, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, 2001
Basic, 2003
The Punisher, 2004
Ladder 49, 2004
Be Cool, 2005
Lonely Hearts, 2006
Wild Hogs, 2007