1 comments Tuesday, July 17, 2007

As you sit here reading this over the Internet, chances are you have another window for another site open and chances are that site contains some porno.

The anonymity of the Internet fits so beautifully well with the solitary, secretive use of porn, that collectively they have been able to reach new heights. Porn companies around the globe can tap into previously unattainable markets and porn users from all corners of the world are but a click away from limitless debauchery. I am far from an expert in economics but my guess is you would have to go pretty far back in time to find a better example of when supply and demand were mutually fulfilled in such a way.

There was however a time, seemingly forgotten in the past, when men were forced to venture beyond the sanctity of their homes to quench this thirst for (two dimensional live action) pornography.

First there was the porno theatre. I can not speak on this in great detail as it was before my time and I have never been inside one. I can however, imagine what it was like and that image is not a pleasant one. Perhaps ther person most famously associated with this type of establishment is the great children's comedian Pee Wee Herman. By showing his pecker to his fellow theatre goers and subsequently being arrested for it, Mr. Herman has shown us just how far removed from this type of establishment we've become. The porno theatre was already on life support by the time of Pee Wee's arrest, now it is virtually extinct.

Privacy is the common theme here, as we move from what is essentially a circle jerk inside a theatre, to being able to rub one out in your own home. Enter the video store. Now porn hungry slobs could simply select a movie of their choice while in the company of others then retire to their home and do their business in private.

I know a thing or two about the back room of the video store. There are rules one must follow. And just as our friend Pee Wee learned inside the porno theatre, violating these rules can have its consequences. Rather than take up unnecessary space and risk interrupting the nice flow I've got going, you can simply view said rules and regulations here.

So in a span of less than 30 years we've gone from a collective group watching the same film, jerking off at the same time, to a collective group making individual choices and jerking off in private. That brings us up to the present day, where the Internet has allowed us to make a private individual choice before we retire in private to jerk off alone.

All three vessels, the theatre, the video store, and the Internet provide us with what we want - porno. However it is only the Internet that is able to provide it in such an individualized, privatized way.  

If you have half a brain I'm sure you realise that I'm not really talking about porn, but rather using it is a platform to address life in general and the role technology plays in our society.  

Thus, my question to you is this:  As we approach a society where individual accessibility (often marketed as a connected global community) has become the standard and where sharing is quickly becoming a thing of the past; how does that affect the psyche of man, who by way of God or nature is a communal creature?


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2 comments Sunday, July 15, 2007

The American action film is dead. The United States has not produced a good action movie in close to 10 years. The last genuinely good, edge of your seat American action movie I saw was Kiss of the Dragon. That came out in 2001 and the writer, the director and 2 of the 3 leads were foreign born so I don't know if you can even count that as an American film.

Die Hard is without question the greatest action movie ever made. It reinvented the genre and it's probably the most borrowed from, mimicked film in cinema history. Why then did I not go to see the most recent installment of this franchise? Because I am tired of seeing wimpy, watered down, pansy-ass, pussy-foot PG-13 action movies.

There was once a time, not long ago when this great nation put out hard core, ass kicking, R-Rated action movies.  Movies like Death Wish, First Blood, Predator, Die Hard, Total Recall, Bloodsport, Robocop, Terminator, Aliens, etc. etc.  Look at the PG-13 pussy shit we have now: Pearl Harbor, XXX, Sahara, The Marine, The Transporter, etc. etc.  

Even Transformers which is based on some Hasbro play toys is softened up compared to the original CARTOON.  I don't expect the makers of Transformers to put out a hard R, but how could a cartoon aimed directly at children in the mid 80s be more intense than the live action film made in 2007 directed at those same children who are now adults?  That's fucking embarrassing.

Don't even get me started on Horror movies.

This is the new model for success in Hollywood -take an R-Rated classic, put it through the sissy cycle and remake as a PG-13 piece of trash that a bunch of 14 year old girls will go see before a sleep over.  

Here is short list of classic R- Rated movies currently being remade into PG-13 wastes of time:

Creepshow
The Warriors
Prom Night
Dolemite
Battle Royal
Conan
Foxy Brown
Hellraiser
Police Academy
Revenge of the Nerds

enjoy.

1 comments Monday, July 09, 2007

It takes a lot of balls to walk out of your house with a rug on your head. And nowadays with hair regrowth treatments getting better and baldness more fashionably acceptable than ever before, the amount of balls it takes to put a toupee on your head and parade it around like it's your real hair is simply mind boggling.

Before I go any further, I don't want to hear any bullshit about "so and so doesn't wear a wig". Yes he does, and you are wearing a wig over your eyes if you don't think so.


Without further adieu, I give you the 5 ballsiest mother fuckers in the world.


5. Sam Donaldson - the news anchor has been the poster boy for toupee wearers for more than 40 years.

If there is a toupee wearer's hall of fame, Sam Donaldson is in it. No one has swung thier balls in the face of America longer than Sam Donaldson.


He is so closely associated with the toupee that if you're talking to someone who is unfamiliar with toupees, you can simply say "you know, like Sam Donaldson."





4. Ben Affleck- or as I call him Wig Wearin' Ben Affleck.

When he burst onto the scene in the late 90s, Wig Wearin' Ben Affleck's hair line was three quarters of an inch north of where it is today.

It's tough being a movie star because you have to look good all the time, especially when you can't rely on your acting chops to get you through the ups and downs of a career in hollywood. Wig Wearin' Ben has done pretty well for himself if you ask me.






3. David Thomson - Canada's richest man.

Don't let his geekish looks fool you. This guy is no computer whiz, he inherited his 22 billion dollars from his father.

What's the point of having all that money if you can't swing your balls in a great many faces? This man has 22 billion dollars, that’s exactly twenty one billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred eighty two more dollars than he has hairs on his head. That's ballsy!




2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - President of Iran.

This guy is considered one of the biggest threats to the United States. If his balls are big enough to walk around with that ridiculous wig on the top of his head, they are big enough to shun UN weapons inspectors.

Clearly this man doesn't give a fuck what people think about him, so long as they don't think he's bald. Does he have a nuclear weapon? I don't know. Does he have a persian rug sitting on the top of his head? Yes. Are his balls firmly pressed up against the face of the world? Yes indeed.



1. The dude from Quiet Riot.


This cat just don't give a fuck. He was balding...nay bald, in the mid 80s. He resurfaces in the late 90s with hair curtains that look like something out of Amadeus.

The sheer audacity of his wig catapults him the front of this list. He absolutely rules and his balls are the size of dinner plates.



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5 comments Wednesday, July 04, 2007

There once was a time when I had nothing better to do than write silly letters. Some people have asked to see them so here they are in their original form. Each letter is its own post.

Orange Julius - 03/10/2003

VH1 - 05/04/2005

General Mills - 09/06/2005

enjoy.

1 comments Tuesday, July 03, 2007

July 4th, 2007 - perhaps the most anticipated showdown in the history of all mantimes. The six time undefeated, undisputed champion of the world Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi vs. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, the man who broke his unbreakable record.
If it's not enough that Chestnut already holds the world record, consider this: Kobayashi has acute arthitis of the jaw, an injury that could not only threaten his chances, but his career. To give people an idea how serious this injury is, imagine taking a sledgehammer to the foot of a world class sprinter a week before the Olympics. As of today, it is still unknown if Kobayashi will even compete in tomorrow's contest.


Some are claiming Kobayashi is hiding behind the injury because he's afraid of the American superstar. Others claim he is outright faking it. A fiddle playing friend of mine from a progressive folk rock band, told me:


"Kobayashi is being a pansy, he knows he's going to get creamed. "


Chestnut himself was quoting as saying:


"I hate to call anybody a coward, and I wouldn't call him that,
but I don't know. He's shown up the six previous years.
It's a strange coincidence, now that he's the underdog."



But is he really the underdog? Consider the facts: Yes, Chestnut's 59.5 HDBs (hot dogs and buns) is almost 5 better than Kobayashi's best. HOWEVER, Kobayashi has never been defeated by a mortal human. His only loss came against a 1,089 lb Kodiak Grizzly Bear. No man has stood shoulder to shoulder and bested him, including Chestnut. They have faced each other numerous times in the past, but each and every time the Tsunami washed him away.
It's one thing to break his record, it's another to stand across from him and defeat him. Until someone beats him, he is the champion.

2 comments Monday, July 02, 2007

It's not often that a personal vendetta makes its way into a blog, but today a bone of the personal sort must be picked. Today I am calling out Staples, who once again has lied to my FACE. Where is my rebate for $8.00 that I was supposed to get over a month ago?


Fact: I sent in all the forms in a timely fashion on April 2nd, 2007.


Fact: I was told my rebate would be processed and mailed to me in no later than 10 weeks.


Fact: It has now been exactly 13 weeks and 1 day and I have not recieved my $8.00.


This is not the first time Staples has tried to screw me. There is the time I paid for and ordered a personalized rubber stamp that was never made. That was $4.50. There is the time I bought a cordless phone and never got my $10.00 rebate that I was promised. So this time I saved all the paperwork and waited patiently for Staples to screw me and they walked right into my trap.


So I called Staples and confronted them about it. Here is the transcript of my conversation:

Staples lady: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: Where is my rebate?

Staple lady: ok, sir, hold on.

Me: Don't do it.

--I am put on hold--

Staples lady: have you calmed down?

Me: I'll calm down when I get my 8 dollars American.

Staples lady: What is your rebate number?

Me: (I give the number)

Staples lady: Your rebate is in the final stages of processing.

Me: Let's talk straight talk. You weren't going to give me my rebate were you?

Staples lady: We are.

Me: Liars make me sick to my stomach.

Staples lady: I am going to put an immediate rush on your rebate.

Me: Thank you.

Staples lady: You should get your rebate in about 2 weeks.

Me: 2 weeks is an immediate rush?

Staples lady: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: No, you have been very helpfull.