0 comments Friday, October 31, 2008

For anyone voting in California that doesn't know yet how they are voting or does and would like to discuss it, this is how I am voting:

Q) Why should you listen to me? A) You shouldn't, you should make up your own mind, but I read the entire voter information guide and we both know you didn't. Also, I'm probably smarter than you.

Prop 1A: Safe, reliable high speed passenger train bond act.

How I’m voting: YES

Why: Despite being an extremely costly (9.5 billion) and potentially problematic undertaking, a bullet train connecting San Francisco to Los Angeles and eventually San Diego and San Jose could be a tremendous success. With consistent travel at speeds of more than 200mph this would greatly reduce travel time, airline congestion and interstate highway traffic. It will also reduce California’s CO(2) emissions and reliance on foreign oil.

Why you should vote no: You are skeptical of state funded undertakings of this magnitude. You work for an oil company. You work for an airline.

Prop 2: Standards for Confining Farm Animals 

How I’m voting: NO

Why: I spent more time thinking about and researching this measure than any of the rest and in the end it was probably the most difficult to decide on. I am completely in favor of giving pigs and calves adequate room to move around and if that were all this mandated then it would be a no-brainer, but this also bans the cages that farmers use to keep hens. I have to believe that if we passed this measure we would see farmers pick up and move to a state which allows them to use the equipment they currently have. The opponents of this measure say that hens kept outside are at risk for bird flu. I don’t believe that will be a real problem, but it is a scary thought. Finally I don’t want to import eggs from other states if we don’t have to, let alone Mexico.

Why you should vote yes: You already limit your egg purchases to those from free range hens. You believe the scumbag farmers who mistreat animals will stay put and abide by the new law rather than move their business elsewhere.

Prop 3: Children's Hospital Bond Act

How I’m voting: YES

Why: 980 million is a hefty sum especially when you consider the current economic outlook and state deficit, but I can’t in good conscious vote for a high speed train and not vote to fund children’s hospitals.

Why you should vote no: If you can sleep at night, do it

Prop 4: A 48 hour waiting period and parental notification before the termination of a minor’s pregnancy.

How I’m voting: NO

Why: I am not a pregnant teenager and I don’t know what it’s like to be one. I can’t pretend to know the reasons, valid or otherwise, that would cause a teenager to hide an abortion from her parents. Also (this is pure speculation on my part) if this were indeed the law, a scared and emotionally distraught girl might be more likely to attempt the procedure herself. 

Why you should vote yes: You have a promiscuous teenage daughter.

Props 5-8 tomorrow

0 comments Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Meet Moey Rojas. In addition to having a really cool name, he has a pretty neat idea for a Halloween costume and his own website, Candyvote.com.  

He and his parents have fashioned a costume that will allow neighbors to vote for the candidate of their choice as he goes door to door.  He will even give the neighbors a sticker that shows they voted. At the end of the night he will post the results online.

This is the good stuff that we need more of.

0 comments Monday, October 27, 2008

                            October 27, 2008           
George Weston Bakeries
Consumer Relations Department
P.O. Box 976
Horsham, PA 19044

Dear Sir or Madam,

As I’m sure you’re well aware, I have, over the years, occasionally made claims to be Sal Entenmenn, heir to the Entenmenn fortune. Although I’ve never benefited financially as Sal, I have used him to score with dozens of impressionable women. Yes, Sal Entenmenn and his empty promises of Ferrari rides and private getaways have served me quite well over the years. That is why I would like to take this opportunity to give something back to him and by him, I mean you.

Without getting too much into the details of my exploits, I would like to share with you something you may find appealing. It’s not long after people find out that I’m heir to the Entenmenn fortune that they tell how much they enjoy the crumb cake, specifically the crumbs. That is why I began telling people that I, Sal Entenmenn, have created Entenmenn’s "Bucket O’ Crumbs".

Let me explain the concept. You take the same crumbs that are on the crumb cake and you put them in a bucket. You don’t put the cake in the bucket, only the crumbs. I repeat: there is no cake in the bucket. Sal Entenmenn is all about giving the people what they want. Whether it’s a great night and a really disappointing morning or their favorite part of the cake, I think the people deserve it. Thank you.

0 comments Friday, October 24, 2008

The story:  McCain supporter and white person, Ashley Todd was mugged at an ATM in Pittsburgh. What makes this story interesting is that after her attacker, a "big black guy", took her 60 dollars he noticed a McCain sticker on her car.  Seeing it made him so black and angry that he punched her in the head and carved a backwards "B" in her face.  The "B" is believed to stand for "Barack", but it could also stand for "black" or "big black penis".

Enter logic:  Either A) there is a very large, angry, dyslexic black man roaming the streets of Pittsburgh with 60 dollars in his pocket or B) somebody is lying.

Silly white girl.  You should have carved an "O" in your face.  Nobody is dumb enough to make a backwards "O".

1 comments Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post this sign on their door and turn out their lights on Halloween. Those who do not post the signs and remain at home will be taken to court and charged with a violation of parole.

I get what they are trying to do here, but I have some problems with it.

1) Sex offenders have the best candy. That's a fact. Let's say 100 kids show up at Mr. Ticklefinger's door. Ok? 99 are walking away with Hershey bars.

2) That's all I got. They're kid touchers for fuck sake, I did my best.

0 comments Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I just tried the green tea variety of Coca Cola's new Gold Peak iced tea and... that was a mistake. Like an ass, I didn't read the label before I bought it so I didn't notice the 44 grams of sugar they stuffed into a 16 ounze bottle until it hit my lips.  
I didn't even realize it was made by Coke until I tasted it and knew something had gone horribly wrong.  It was so sweet I seriously thought for a second I was drinking pancake syrup. 

One packet of sugar contains 4 grams, so yes, I just drank 11 packets of sugar. 

If we were at a restaurant together and you ordered an iced tea then started pouring sugar in it, I would have to ask you to leave the table once you cracked open the 5th packet.  By the 8th packet I am deleting you from my phone and we are no longer friends.  If I drove, you are walking home or to the dentist or wherever it is crazy people like you need to go when you're done being crazy.  If you made it to 10 packets and I am still in the restaurant I am wrestling your voter registration card away from you and tearing it into a thousand pieces because people like you shouldn't be allowed to have a say in how our society operates. 

2 comments Monday, October 13, 2008

Parents around the country are concerned that a new talking doll from Fisher Price is saying something they don't want their kids to hear.  The doll is supposed to coo and make babbling baby noises like a good, Jesus loving American baby, but what it actually says is "Islam is the light".    

The president of Fisher Price, Asif Abdul Muhammed, said "the doll does not contain any hidden messages and will remain in stores... Insha'Allah."

0 comments Monday, October 06, 2008

It's no secret: I like charts. I want to make my own charts (and graphs) that I hope will someday be a major part of this blog.  I'm using adobe illustrator and so far I'm pretty lousy.  If' you're a psycho or just really observant, you will have noticed that I've widened the margins of the website. That is to make room for all these bad ass charts. 

So let me tell you a little bit about this first one.  It is a pie chart of Steven Seagal's first 30 roles. He played a cop or ex-cop 12 times, a CIA agent or a spy 5 times and fuck it, that's what the chart is for.

1 comments Friday, October 03, 2008

You saw the wink, right? When she did that I was like "ohhhhhhh snap!"  Biden was not ready for that shit.  She was like "gee, gee, golly, gosh...WINK!"  Wink to the face, America!

Then Ol 'plugs' Biden started breathing all heavy on the mic like he was trying not to punch somebody.  It was crazy, yo!

But who won?  That's what people want to know. That's what I wanted to know.  So I went to 5 different websites to see what the polls said. 

According to the voters on the Drudge report, Palin won by a landslide.  Not as big as the landslide that Joe Biden won by according to the poll conducted by MSNBC, but a landslide nontheless. Let's take a look at the numbers, shall we?
as of 4pm 10/03/08

So what exactly does this mean?  Aside from proof that internet polls are worthless, nothing!