0 comments Friday, June 29, 2007

In lieu of the bizarre and tragic deaths of Chris Benoit and his family I thought it appropriate to examine what seems to be a disturbing trend in professional wrestling: the untimely deaths of so many of its stars.

Wrestling fans know that many of their childhood heroes have died young. HERE is a list of wrestlers I grew up watching who did not live to be 50.

I have not examined any of these deaths in great detail and by no means am I a medical expert, but I have my theories for why such a trend exists.

1) the tremendous size of most of these men. Carrying around 300, in some cases 500lbs or more is very taxing. You don't see many 350lb men over the age of fifty in any walk of life.

2) the pressure to be big and the use of steroids. Steroid use was rapant during the peak of a lot of these careers. Side effects are numerous and can include heart disease, paranoia and depression.

3) the pressure to perform and the use of painkillers. When your job consits of falling from great heights and being dropped on your head, chances are you're going to be in a lot of pain. Painkillers are regularly used so these guys can perform day in and day out.

4) narcotics and the rock star lifestyle. You've heard the theory that rockstars use drugs to match the adrenaline high of being on stage, to keep the party going if you will. Same applies here.

Mixing drugs, whether they be steroids, painkillers, prescriptions, alochol, cocaine or anything else, can be a deadly combination.

5) bad luck. Sometimes being in the wrong place at the wrong time is all it takes.


0 comments Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Expect to see fireworks when demographics clash! Larry King has landed the exclusive interview with parolee, Paris Hilton. It airs tonight on Larry King Live.

I wonder if King, who briefly did time back in '71 for trying to pass some bad checks, will tell any of his own prison stories?Probably not.

0 comments Monday, June 25, 2007

Because the crap hitting theatres this summer is so bad, I am introducing a new way to critique movies. Rather than reward a film for how good it is, my scale gives points for stinking. The worse the movie, the more turds it gets.



a terrible shit storm=

a mindboggling projection of feces=

Hopefully this new system can help you warn your friends and family before they walk into an impending shit storm.

If you plan on seeing any of the following, be advised:

Spiderman 3 , Shrek 3 , Pirates of the Carribean 3 , Fantastic 4 - fuck it, anything with a number in the title. Oh, and Bug.

1 comments Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Douchebaggery is a very serious problem facing our society. This post will help you locate and identify douchebags. Should you discover that you are a douchebag, this post will help you rejoin the rest of society. It will be updated and modified as Douchebags change over time.

If you're not a cowboy but you roll your own cigarettes then you're probably a douchebag.

If you've ever lifted weights in a knit cap, YOU might be a douchebag. While we're at it, let's add collared shirt to that list.

If you've ever left your house looking like this, then you're a douchebag.

Just in: Jeff Bagwell has tested positive - for being a douchebag.

3 comments Monday, June 18, 2007

I knew going in that Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer was going to stink. I left the theatre amazed at how phenomenally bad it was. I was hoping at least for a visually stimulating action movie with no plot. Instead they tried to piece together what could be considered a character driven story, proving that in some extreme cases, character development actually hurts film making. But alas, that is a blog for another day.

Without getting too geeky, allow me to critique some of their choices.
First off, Jessica Alba didn't even look like a fucking human being. They gave her this bleach blond hair and these ridiculous contact lenses that made her look an android crossed with something out of the movie Dune.

Oh, but in the comics Sue Storm has blonde hair and blue eyes and comic fans don't want to see a hot Latina play Sue Storm. It has to be authentic. So they Anglicize, nay, Aryanize Jessica Alba but have no problem turning Galactus, who is supposed to look like this:
into this:

If you want to know more about the awesome being that is Galactus. By all means, here are some links:
Marvel database
Wikipedia entry

If you took the time to read the information provided by either of those links, or if you've ever read a Silver Surfer comic book, you would know that Galactus is a being with limitless power. The Silver Surfer, who may be able to defeat the Fantastic Four with relative ease, is but a gnat to Galactus. So in the end when he blows himself up or whatever that is he does to prevent Galactus from eating Earth, that would be like if you stepped on a tac and it prevented you from drinking a glass of water after you spent two days walking through the desert.

A spoiler warning might go here, but I doubt anyone is still reading - so fuck it, I'm going to continue.

Dr. Doom is also misrepresented, as well as the Surfer himself. That bit in the movie about the Surfer getting his power from his board is bullshit. If he is separated from his board he doesn't wither into a creature so weak he can barely stand, as depicted. Quote the Marvel website:

"The Surfer's board is composed of the same impervious, cosmic-powered silvery material as its master's skin, and is mentally linked to the Surfer; it moves in response to his thoughts, even when he is not in physical contact with it. The board is almost totally indestructible, but on those rare occasions where it has been damaged or destroyed, the Surfer has been able to repair or even re-create it."

In the comics, standing on the Surfer's board does not give you his powers. In the film Dr. Doom steals the board and gets the Surfer's powers. Then Johnny Storm combines his powers with the Thing and Mr. Fantastic and is able to defeat him. By that logic it would mean that the Super Skrull (see photo) could defeat the Surfer. That's not going to happen.

Basically what I'm saying is, why spend 10 dollars on a ticket when you can just scoop up some dog shit and throw it at a screen for free.

0 comments Friday, June 08, 2007

It has been requested that I give my two cents on Paris Hilton's sentencing. I was previously asked to weigh in on Michael Richard's racial trade and I did not, so I thought it only fair to speak on behalf of Ms. Hilton. I'll do my best to make it entertaining.

If getting 45 days in jail seems a little harsh for driving on a suspended license that's because it is. Chances are if you were in the same predicament as Ms. Hilton, you'd do a weekend in the slammer and then a year or so probation.

That being said, a crime of this nature is punishable by 45 days in jail and it's up to the judge to decide how much of that the defendant should serve. The judge has the authority to sentence whatever he deems appropriate within the limits of the law. The jerk off Sheriff decided that she'd had enough and let her out after 3 days. That pissed the judge off so he threw her back in jail.

This isn't Oklahoma circa 1840, the sheriff doesn't get to let you out of jail whenever he thinks you learned your lesson.

Do I feel bad for her? Sure. But 45 days from now she'll be a millionaire again and I'll still be making 12 bucks an hour, so no, not really. But let's examine the facts anyway.

Fact: she was pulled over not once, but twice for driving on a suspended license. And you know those weren't the only two times she drove when it was suspended. She probably drove around thinking her shit didn't stink, but guess what?

Fact: all shit stinks. You can eat a bouquet of flowers, but when it comes out the other end it's gonna smell like shit.

Fact: any sentence less than 24 months is served in a county jail. Nobody in there raped anybody. She's not going to Riker's Island. She's in there with a few prostitutes and a bunch of old ladies who got caught forging prescriptions. And she's in the Beverly Hills jail. There's probably like 9 black people in there. I could do 45 days there standing on my head.

Fact: this is the best thing that could ever happen to her "career". She does the 45 days, she gets a few people feeling sorry for her, she comes out and bingo she's Hugh Grant. If she did 3 days then spent the next 40 pool side at her mansion people would be pissed off.

Fact: the punishment may be harsh, but let's not lose site of the fact that she's actually guilty.