0 comments Thursday, December 28, 2006

Have you been feeling like an idiot lately? You have? Is there a thin beard outlining your chin? There is?
Five years ago this look and tickets to a drag race might have scored you a girl's phone number. So how come now you look like a douchebag?

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there were men who let their hair grow flowing long in the back, all the while keeping it neat and trim in the front. And these men got laid. Until one day something terrible happened... the cocaine wore off. Now these men are ridiculed as they walk down the street. They find safety only at rodeos and minor league hockey games.

You sir, you with the chin strap.
This is your future.

0 comments Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The following story was taken from the BBC news and can be found on their website in its original form.

A top Indian woman athlete who won a silver medal at a recent regional championship has failed a gender test, officials say.
Santhi Soundararajan, who took the silver in the women's 800m race at the Asian Games in Doha, has been stripped of her medal, reports say.

Soundararajan, 25, was declared the best athlete at an Indian championship in the capital, Delhi, this year.

The test is not mandatory, but is carried out if officials want it or a rival team protests, reports say. KP Mohan, a sports journalist, said athletes were usually examined by a team of doctors, including a gynaecologist, endocrinologist and psychologist, and put through physical and clinical examinations during a gender test.

The test was carried out soon after Soundararajan came second in the women's 800m race on 9 December.

I feel bad for this woman, in part for being internationally outed as man, but also because she isn't a cheater yet must be treated as such. Meanwhile, noone is talking about the real story here - somebody beat this dude.

2 comments Friday, December 08, 2006

Paris Hitlon is widely considered a no talent celbutante, famous only for being famous, yet Johnny Knoxville somehow has a legitimate acting career. She's good looking and likes sucking cock. He's goofy and likes taking shots to the balls. Why is he any more qualified to be famous?

3 comments Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Britney Spears joined Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton as the latest celebrity to flaunt her sloppy vag in front of paparazzi yesterday in what was obviously a premeditated event. What she should have done was strap on some kind of prosthetic penis and dangle that out the bottom of her skirt. Let the paparazzi snap a few pics of that, cause a real stir.

Click to see Britney's vagina.

3 comments Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Al Pacino is a big big star. As of today he's appeared in more than 45 films. Granted he’s only played 3 characters but he’s been fantastic as each one. Problem is, not everybody can afford a big star like Pacino. So sometimes they get Andy Garcia, the poor man’s Al Pacino. Thing is, a poor man’s Al Pacino is still pretty expensive so sometimes they have to get Anthony LaPaglia, the poor man’s Andy Garcia. Even his price is a little high for some so they go and get Ron Silver, the poor man’s Anthony LaPaglia a.k.a. the poor poor poor man’s Al Pacino.

Al Pacino Succession.

Al Pacino

Andy Garcia, the poor man's Pacino

Anthony LaPaglia, the poor poor man's Pacino

Ron Silver, the homeless man's Pacino

1 comments Monday, November 20, 2006

Once upon a Thursday, many years ago, after they landed on Plymouth Rock, but before they started burning witches, the Pilgrims sat down with the Indians and begat a tradition. They called it Thanksgiving because they thanked the Indians for their food and gave them smallpox.

Thanksgiving is the most underrated holiday of all mantimes. Why? Because unless you’re selling turkeys or cranberries, Thanksgiving isn’t making you any cash. And since very few people can profit from it, it gets overlooked. There are no costumes to buy, cards to mail, flowers to send, or presents to give. There is only turkey.

In a consumer driven society filled with green beer, candy hearts, President’s day sales, and bunnies that have nothing to do with resurrections, Thanksgiving stands alone as an untouchable, mascot free holiday.

Besides that, it'is the most unabashedly American day of the year. It's as complex and dynamic as our history and culture. It is a time for being grateful, a tradition of the best intentions, yet simultaneously a reminder of a past marred with unforgivable grievances.

Don’t fuck with Thanksgiving.

2 comments Tuesday, November 14, 2006

If I asked what your opinion of K-Fed is, chances are you'd have something negative to say. Why? Because you don't like his music or his attitude? That's funny because all he's doing is living the American dream. Do you hate America?

Some jealous loser painted a target on this dude's back and now he's the guy everyone can make fun of without catching shit for it. But not this asshole. I like this guy K-Fed, I like his style. I'm not going to shit on his lawn like everybody else. I've never heard his music and I don't need to. It probably sucks, but so does 2/3 rds of the shit on the radio. I'm tired of people making fun of safe celebrities. Grow some fucking balls and make fun of the real shit out there and the idiots who support it. I'll get you started.

Jojo: Fuck Jojo, I'm tired of her. Tired, tired, tired, TIRED of Jojo.
Chad Kroeger: The dump I took this morning sounded better than Nickelback. Where is the justice in a world where this guy gets laid?
Fergie: This idiot is making 10 times as much money as you. Think about that.

    0 comments Monday, November 06, 2006

    If you've ever been in a bar fight and didn't put your drink down, you may want to think about taking a little break from drinking.

    2 comments Wednesday, November 01, 2006

    Who up and decided pants should have a complete and total monopoly on bottomwear? I'm tired of pants. There are all types of underwear: boxers, briefs, boxerbriefs, thongs. Yet there is only pants. Pants suck, they squeeze your balls too much. Imagine if other products squeezed your balls as much as pants do. What if your new tv squeezed your balls every time you tried to watch it? Or what if that garage door opener you just installed gave your balls a squeeze every time you parked your car? I doubt you'd put up with it for very long. Yet here you sit, reading this very sentence, while a pair of no good pants has your balls in a vice. Fuck pants.

    0 comments Wednesday, October 25, 2006

    The new ten dollar bill is such a deviation from the traditional look of our currency that a lot of cash handlers don't know what to expect anymore. I drew a picture of Hillary Clinton on a Starbucks napkin and told the girl at Walmart it was the new 50. Bought myself a new pair of pants and still had enough left over to put a payment down on a semi automatic assault rifle.

    2 comments Thursday, October 19, 2006

    If you've listened to a hip hop record in the last 5 years then you've probably heard the term hustlin'. A trained ear will tell you hustlin' is actually dervived from the English word hustling. To hustle someone is to swindle them, trick them, or cheat them out of something.

    All this hustlin’ you keep hearing about must mean a great many people are walking around this country fuming mad that they got hustled, that or hustlin' is quickly becoming the most over used, misused word in the hip hop community. The following is an argument in favor of the latter.

    Selling cocaine doesn't make you a hustler. It makes you a drug dealer. If you sell baking soda and tell people it is cocaine, you are a hustler. If you sell knockoff watches for 10 dollars you are not a hustler, you are a guy who sells trinkets. If you sell knockoff watches for 1200 dollars you are probably a hustler. If you win money playing dice you are lucky, if you cheat and don't get caught, congratulations you're a hustler. Remeber: In order for a hustle to take place someone has to get hustled. Thus, a prostitute who sucks cock for money is no more a hustler than a crackhead who sucks cock for money.

    0 comments Sunday, October 15, 2006

    I always feel bad when I go into a restroom where there is a bathroom attendant and I don't have any singles to leave for a tip. Take last night for example. I drop a royal dump in what is essentially this man's office. He washes my ass out with warm water then towel dries my balls and all I can offer in return is a handshake and a thank you. I'll be the first to say it - sometimes this world is plain old unfair.

    0 comments Friday, October 13, 2006

    If you've ever brought a girl home from a wild night out and held your breath as you removed her panties, praying you wouldn't see a penis, then maybe it's time you took a little break from partying.

    2 comments Wednesday, October 11, 2006

    Advertisers love idiots because idiots buy shit. This is the complete and total reason why decent TV shows have a life span of about 5 episodes. While you're scratching your head wondering how your favorite TV show got cancelled, 30 million morons are watching washed up celebrities dance around in glitter pants.

    So you invest 3 weeks in some new show that isn't half bad and just when it starts to get interesting they pull the plug. That's you being made an ass of. Take this show Studio 60, it's far from event television but it's a decent show, if it makes it to the end of the season I'll be surprised. It would be the number 1 show on TV if the producers told the actors to use their real names and pretened it was real. This what they do with the other bullshit people watch. It's all fucking fake (except for Mindfreak, that dude is for real).

    2 comments Monday, October 02, 2006

    Fact: Anyone who's ever said childbirth is the most excruciating pain a person can endure obviously has never been kicked in the balls.

    1 comments Wednesday, September 13, 2006

    Want to score chicks the easy way? All you need is an extra pair of socks, a turtleneck, an open mind, a bra and some removable tape.

    Step 1) give yourself a clean shave.
    Step 2) tape your penis to your leg.
    Step 3) put the bra on and stuff it with the socks.
    Step 4) put on the turtleneck to hide your Adam’s apple
    Step 5) show up at a lesbian bar or hang out.

    To prove my theory I put it to the test. Here is what happened:

    I show up at this bar in my costume. I walk around for a minute, feeling the place out. I spot a femme at the bar and approach. "What's your name?" she asks me. "Judy" I says, "but you can call me Big Girl." Another one walks over and tries to squeeze in on my action, so I get in her face. "Back off, honey. This one's with me."

    We go back to her place and cut right to the chase. I'm down there doing the lesbian thing to her vagina with my tongue. It's dark, she's butt naked and I'm down to my bra and panties. I got her all worked up and I say something like "I wish I had a penis, the things I'd do to you." She's moaning and groaning "Oh yeah, Judy yeah." So I tell her "say it, say you wish I had a penis." Now she thinks we're playing a kinky game or something and she blurts out "Oh yeah, I wish you had a great BIG GIANT COCK." "Whoa, slow down honey, let's not be greedy. You want a penis or not?"

    2 comments Tuesday, September 12, 2006

    Have you ever walked past a crazy bum who is talking to himself and he interrupts his own conversation to ask you for change? It's weird because rarely do you see a bum having a laid back "how's the weather" type of conversation with himself. Most of these conversations are pretty intense, end of the world kind of stuff. Not the type of thing you'd think they'd want to interrupt. I don't understand it. I don't understand how these crazy bums think.