Monday, June 18, 2007

I knew going in that Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer was going to stink. I left the theatre amazed at how phenomenally bad it was. I was hoping at least for a visually stimulating action movie with no plot. Instead they tried to piece together what could be considered a character driven story, proving that in some extreme cases, character development actually hurts film making. But alas, that is a blog for another day.

Without getting too geeky, allow me to critique some of their choices.
First off, Jessica Alba didn't even look like a fucking human being. They gave her this bleach blond hair and these ridiculous contact lenses that made her look an android crossed with something out of the movie Dune.

Oh, but in the comics Sue Storm has blonde hair and blue eyes and comic fans don't want to see a hot Latina play Sue Storm. It has to be authentic. So they Anglicize, nay, Aryanize Jessica Alba but have no problem turning Galactus, who is supposed to look like this:
into this:

If you want to know more about the awesome being that is Galactus. By all means, here are some links:
Marvel database
Wikipedia entry

If you took the time to read the information provided by either of those links, or if you've ever read a Silver Surfer comic book, you would know that Galactus is a being with limitless power. The Silver Surfer, who may be able to defeat the Fantastic Four with relative ease, is but a gnat to Galactus. So in the end when he blows himself up or whatever that is he does to prevent Galactus from eating Earth, that would be like if you stepped on a tac and it prevented you from drinking a glass of water after you spent two days walking through the desert.

A spoiler warning might go here, but I doubt anyone is still reading - so fuck it, I'm going to continue.

Dr. Doom is also misrepresented, as well as the Surfer himself. That bit in the movie about the Surfer getting his power from his board is bullshit. If he is separated from his board he doesn't wither into a creature so weak he can barely stand, as depicted. Quote the Marvel website:

"The Surfer's board is composed of the same impervious, cosmic-powered silvery material as its master's skin, and is mentally linked to the Surfer; it moves in response to his thoughts, even when he is not in physical contact with it. The board is almost totally indestructible, but on those rare occasions where it has been damaged or destroyed, the Surfer has been able to repair or even re-create it."

In the comics, standing on the Surfer's board does not give you his powers. In the film Dr. Doom steals the board and gets the Surfer's powers. Then Johnny Storm combines his powers with the Thing and Mr. Fantastic and is able to defeat him. By that logic it would mean that the Super Skrull (see photo) could defeat the Surfer. That's not going to happen.

Basically what I'm saying is, why spend 10 dollars on a ticket when you can just scoop up some dog shit and throw it at a screen for free.


Caroline said...

where's the jizz tree entry i requested? no only did you waste your $10 on dog sh*t...but now you wasted my 2 mns reading about it! you owe me $10.

Caroline said...

damn...i meant to say "not only" not "no only"

Lomax said...

I don't know beans about jizz trees.

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