0 comments Wednesday, May 30, 2007

You may find the following fascinating and difficult to believe, but like everything else posted on this blog, it is 100% entirely true.

It began on June 17th, 2004 in Alphala, Georgia when the now legendary beast, Hogzilla was gunned down by a mortal man named Chris Griffin. Like Beowulf before him, his story is being turned into a major motion picture.

Hogzilla and the man who slain him.
The mighty Hogzilla was more 8 feet in length and weighed more than 800lbs. The razor sharp tusks he used to eat children and destroy mobile homes were 16 inches long.

Hogzilla was proof that the PBR sold in rural Georgia did not contain hallucinogens, and these people were in fact NOT CRAZY.

Not long after Hogzilla's demise, a new terror rose. This time in rural Florida. I am of course referring to the beast that was...Hog Kong.

Hog Kong: 1,140 lbs

Then...just when you thought it was safe to go back in the woods of the rural south: I give you the Coursey Hog. On January 5th, 2007 - William "Bill" Coursey shot and killed the 1,100 lb hog that bears his name.
Mighty "Bill" Coursey and his big hog.

What, you ask, could be bigger than Hogzilla, more fearsome than Hog Kong and more terrifying than the Coursey Hog? Behold... Monster Pig aka Pigzilla.

Just last week, young Jamison Stone, armed only with his custom made Smith &Wesson M500 somehow brought down the creature now known as Monster Pig.
Monster Pig: 9 ft. 4in - 1,054lbs

Surely Monster Pig is the largest beast to ever roam the earth you say. To that I say feast your eyes upon 1,980lbs of Ton Pig.

The beloved Ton Pig
(He died from obesity in 2004)

UPDATE: The true origin of Monster Pig has been revealed!
Monster Pig was actually a pig named Fred, not a feral hog as originally thought.

0 comments Monday, May 21, 2007

Question: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

Answer: Yes, but one person must be really good looking and it is usually one sided.

3 comments Saturday, May 19, 2007

Behold, the DePalma rule:

If you make three shitty movies in a row that's it. You're done.

I don't care how good your other movies are (Scarface, Casualties of War, The Untouchables, etc) if you make three stinkers in a row, without a decent flick in between, you get kicked out of Hollywood. It's that simple. If Sammy Sosa swings and misses three times in a row, he's out. The umpire doesn't tell him to go ahead and have another crack at it.

Make two pieces of shit and then do something decent, you're in the clear, your count goes back to zero. But three pieces of shit in a row and you're out. You have to start over at the beginning with all the punks coming out of film school.

Let's examine the history:
In 1998 Brian DePalma directed Snakes Eyes. It sucked.
He followed it up with another turd, Mission to Mars.
He comes back with Femme Fatale. Now at this point he should be done, that is three in a row. Instead he is allowed to continue and what do we get? We get The Black Dahlia. Another piece of shit.

Using the DePalma rule let's see who else should be kicked out of Hollywood.

M. Night Shyamalan.
Signs = Suck
The Village = Suck
Lady in the Water = You're out, you had a good run, now go home.

Kevin Smith
Jersey Girl = Suck
Clerks II = Suck
Your next movie better kick ass.

You get the idea. Feel free to add to the list.

0 comments Friday, May 11, 2007

Some recent "news", click on the links if you haven't seen them already.

Bruce Willis and 5,000 other people were drunk at an NBA playoff game, but because he is Bruce Willis he was given some face time. He cursed on the air and the announcer had to appologize to the audience for his obscene language. Not a big deal.

Alec Baldwin left an angry message on his daughter's voice mail and caught shit for it. First off, it's his daughter, he can say anything he wants to her. If I had a nickel for every time my parents called me a "fucking idiot", I could get anything I wanted at the dollar store. Second, who knows what she said or did to set him off. Supposedly she was required by a court to answer the phone as part of his visitation rights. He probably planned his day around this conversation. Third, he left it on her voice mail, he didn't even say it to her directly. And finally, it's his daughter, it's his job to give her shit for acting like an idiot.

David Hasselhoff's daughter video taped him drunk out of his skull, lying on the floor, eating a hamburger. The Hoff had to issue a statement about him being an alcoholic and having this relapse and how ashamed he is and blah blah blah. All I see is a guy in some tight jeanos trying to enjoy a hamburger while his punk kid sticks a camera in his face. So he was drunk, big deal. He wasn't driving a school bus. Let the man eat his burger.

Monday, May 07, 2007

I signed on to write another tasteless and mildly funny observation, most likely about why Nickleback sucks so much, but now I'm just not in the mood.

Diego "Chico" Corrales, the most exciting fighter of his generation, died today in a motorcycle accident. He was 29.

Diego Corrales
August 25, 1977 - May 7, 2007