0 comments Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I know, I know. Everybody is sick and tired of hearing about the bat demon that's been terrorizing the people of Tanzania. But just to recap, as of today it has raped at least 4 women and bitten off the tip of a man's penis.

This reminds me of another story, a tale so gripping and disturbing that it's been etched in my brain forever . It's the tale of a night-predator so brash that once you hear it you will never sleep the same. I am of course referring to...The Bojangler.

Be forewarned: The following story and all of it's terrifying intricacies are entirely, 100% true.

During the academic year of 2004, the Bojangler terrorized the students of Middlebury College in Vermont. An internet search of the topic will uncover no record of the following events because the story was buried, but as any one of the survivors will tell you - it happened.

Middlebury is a very liberal university where students often do not lock or even close their dorm rooms as it is common for them to drift from one room to another, socializing well into the night. But even the most liberal of schools was not ready to embrace... The Bojangler.

One day, a student woke in his bed to find a stranger lying next to him, gently cupping his balls. When the boy screamed the stranger bolted and so it was, the young man had been Bojangled. The scream woke his roomate, but by then the Bojangler had vanished.

Similar events transpired over the next few weeks as students woke up next to a strange man. Sometimes he would be cuddled up next to them resting his strange head on their lap. Other times he would be gazing longingly into their eyes or running his hands through their hair, but usually he gently cupped their balls.

Everyone who would come to be Bojangled told a similar story, that he became frightened upon their waking and sprinted out of the room before anyone got a real good look at him. Many who were Bojangled did not come forward due to fear of being ridiculed or simply because in their confused state thought what just transpired was part of a dream, nay nightmare. Thus, the exact number of people that it happened to is unknown, but estimates range from 7 to 12.

There was no evidence that the Bojangler did any sort of physical damage or caused any bodily harm, but try washing off the feeling of having slept next to a stranger as he gently cupped your balls. That's a long shower.

The closest anyone ever came to catching the Bojangler was when a student managed to grab the sleeve of his jacket, forcing the Bojangler to relinquish it rather than be apprehended. The jacket was turned over to the police and put through a series of tests, all which came back inconclusive, i.e. there was nothing magical about the jacket.

There you have it. The Bojangler's super powers were not derived from his jacket. Not much else is known about him, and so the mystery remains. If you or someone you know has been Bojangled, please come forward because somewhere out there the Bojangler lurks, waiting to Bojangle the innocent.

1 comments Monday, February 19, 2007

We've been in Iraq for more than three years and some would argue that things are worse now than when we invaded. Even if you subscribe to the idea that we are making progress you have to admit it is coming along much slower than anticipated. Here is my solution:

We bombard them with porn. We can drop it from the sky. Not video tapes that could land on somebody's head and hurt them, but magazines. Millions of them. We round up every issue of Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Swank, Taboo, Juggs, Backdoor monthly, Leg show, and Nugget that we can find and we drop them by the thousands into Iraq. Then we project as many porno movies as we can onto the sides of whatever buildings are left standing.

Why? Because every 13-year-old would be suicide bomber is going to be fighting over the latest issue of Bottoms Up. Because every sexually repressed 30-year-old virgin is going to disappear into a dimly lit basement and come out wanting more . And because every machine gun toting insurgent will realize that while he's fighting for his 70 virgins he could put his gun down, embrace democracy and have all the sex he can afford.

"That's silly, it will never work" you say. Oh, really? Fact: after hunger, the sex drive is the strongest urge in the human body (heroin not with standing). Fact: Men like porn. Fact: This culture is roughly 700 years behind the west in terms of sexual freedom and expression. Essentially we'd be dropping Jenna Jameson into the middle ages. Fact: It's a lot harder to shoot a rifle with a boner.

Want to win the war? Want to save some lives? Drop the P-Bomb in Iraq.


4 comments Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Many have come forward, but no one knows who the father of little baby Anna Nicole is.

I have examined the evidence and provided the following list of feasible perpetrators.

Larry Birkhead
The former boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith claims "I am the king of that vagina, anything that comes out of it belongs to me"

For: It is hard to argue with his logic.

Against:If his sperm is so powerful, where are all his other babies?

Odds: 3 - 1
Howard K. Stern, esq.
Smith's attorney and "husband" wants the baby really, really a lot.
For: He is listed on the birth certificate as the father.
Against: I am not a doctor but I'm pretty sure in order to make a baby you have to have sex with somebody.
Odds: 60-1

Prince Frederic Von Anhalt
Media whore/ Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. He claims to have made love to Anna Nicole while trying to kick his addiction to Viagra.
For: Why lie about this?
Against: Very hard to get a woman pregnant by batching on her tits.
Odds: 12-1
The Devil
Ruler of Hell and tempter of mankind. He has not been very vocal on the subject to date.
For: The little demon baby comes out and two people die mysteriously. Did they OD or were they smothered by a baby?
Against: Been done before, feels a bit cliche now.

Odds: 20-1

J. Howard Marshall

Supposedly Anna Nicole saved her
late husband's semen and may have used it to impregnate herself as a ruse to get his money.
For: People have done crazier things for money.
Against: Even if he did leave her a handful of semen, which I doubt, you know she didn't preserve it correctly.
Odds: 15-1
Daniel Smith
Anna Nicole's very own son. Could he have had sex with his mother then killed himself from the shame, in turn causing her own aguish laden suicide?

For: It fits together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Against: A real life Oedipus story might be a little much for even Anna Nicole.

Odds: 5- 1

1 comments Monday, February 05, 2007

      Most people agree that beauty is subjective. You’ll hear them say things like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some people will tell you that the media has warped our society’s idea of beauty. They claim that we have been brainwashed to accept certain traits and features as a beautiful. The truth is that beauty, as defined as physical attractiveness, is quite objective. While the media has gone out of its way to glamorize beauty it has done little to alter that which is considered beautiful. What it has done is fool people into thinking that they can obtain the high levels of physical attractiveness featured in magazines and on television, resulting in crash diets, eating disorders and trips to the plastic surgeon.
      The reality is that we find symmetry more physically appealing than disproportion. This is true in all of nature as it is with the human face and body. To say that physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder is to deny this natural attraction to symmetry that all humans posses. To say that you, as an individual, find beauty in something that is not physically appealing (i.e. an ugly spouse or Lance Bass) then yes, beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder.
      Rarely does nature do things by accident. It is no coincidence that being overweight is damaging not only to your physical health, but to your outward appearance as well, just as being gaunt is both unhealthy and unbecoming.

Below is a rudimentary comparison of some examples of physical beauty compared to that which is more common among us.

Maya Rudolf is an attractive woman.

She is however, less attractive than Halle Berry.

A)I wouldn't say David Spade is ugly, but he isn't famous for his looks.

B) Lance Bass is an example of someone who is not attractive but was marketed as such.

C)Brad Pitt is a good looking guy.

Below is the desk mask of Queen Elizabeth I. To its right is the death mask of her much more attractive adversary, Mary Queen of Scots.

Queen Elizabeth I                   Mary Queen of Scots

A painting of Elizabeth.              A rendering of Mary.

Mary Queen of Scots would be considered more physically attractive than Elizabeth today, just as she was 500 years ago.