Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Many have come forward, but no one knows who the father of little baby Anna Nicole is.

I have examined the evidence and provided the following list of feasible perpetrators.

Larry Birkhead
The former boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith claims "I am the king of that vagina, anything that comes out of it belongs to me"

For: It is hard to argue with his logic.

Against:If his sperm is so powerful, where are all his other babies?

Odds: 3 - 1
Howard K. Stern, esq.
Smith's attorney and "husband" wants the baby really, really a lot.
For: He is listed on the birth certificate as the father.
Against: I am not a doctor but I'm pretty sure in order to make a baby you have to have sex with somebody.
Odds: 60-1

Prince Frederic Von Anhalt
Media whore/ Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. He claims to have made love to Anna Nicole while trying to kick his addiction to Viagra.
For: Why lie about this?
Against: Very hard to get a woman pregnant by batching on her tits.
Odds: 12-1
The Devil
Ruler of Hell and tempter of mankind. He has not been very vocal on the subject to date.
For: The little demon baby comes out and two people die mysteriously. Did they OD or were they smothered by a baby?
Against: Been done before, feels a bit cliche now.

Odds: 20-1

J. Howard Marshall

Supposedly Anna Nicole saved her
late husband's semen and may have used it to impregnate herself as a ruse to get his money.
For: People have done crazier things for money.
Against: Even if he did leave her a handful of semen, which I doubt, you know she didn't preserve it correctly.
Odds: 15-1
Daniel Smith
Anna Nicole's very own son. Could he have had sex with his mother then killed himself from the shame, in turn causing her own aguish laden suicide?

For: It fits together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Against: A real life Oedipus story might be a little much for even Anna Nicole.

Odds: 5- 1


NatoPacific said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NatoPacific said...

Yo -- so beauty ain't necessarily in the eye of the beholder, but what about a girl who's just dying to give it up to ya? That's pretty hot.

Biologically speaking, here's an additional quandary: all world-class athletes generally have symmetrical faces and body's, hence athletic superiority tends to derive from a symmetrical skeletal, facial, and muscle structure, and at our personal animal core, we know that buffer, faster, sleeker animals make for more reliable mates - - - so we're chemically evolved to seek out symmetrical hotties.

(so this could also apply to individuals with symmetrical personalities, which are generally more appealing than someone with an asymmetrical or "unbalanced" psychological profile)

I.E., if we all just did more yoga, improved our posture, and practiced proper facial dexterity, we'd get more action . . . but I'll try and love my inevitably asymmetrical children anyway.

Lomax said...

I think you commented on the wrong post

Ben, aka BadBen said...

I don't think it's satan. He's got standards, you know.

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