Verborrhea

Don't be alarmed

2009-01-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everybody.

There is an elevator in my building. I usually take the stairs, but I took it yesterday and noticed a sign that said the following:

Should the elevator doors fail to open do not become alarmed. Please use the button marked "Alarm".

Good to know.

Shoe attack

2008-12-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

An Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President Bush during a press conference in Iraq over the weekend. Here is the video:

I'm not exactly a Bush fan, but nobody should be throwing anything at him. Atleast not while he's president and especially not in another country. But my real issue is not that this guy threw a shoe. It's that he had time to take off a second shoe and throw that too. This is the President of the United States we are talking about. Once that first shoe left this dude's hand secret service should have been all over this guy like LT on Joe Theisman.

Netflix

2008-12-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Netflix,

I have Netflix. Everyone I know has Netflix. Stop sending me shit. Every day I check my mail I think there's a new movie waiting for me and 9 times out of 10 it's a flyer asking me to buy Netflix for somebody else. It's not fucking happening. I'm not giving anybody the gift of Netflix this Christmas because everybody already has Netflix. And even if they didn't I wouldn't buy it for them because that is about the lamest fucking present you can give somebody*.

*If you gave the gift of Netflix this year, I hope I offended you because you're an ass.

1: Corinthians 13:11

2008-11-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

I went to a party where everybody was playing Guitar Hero and the strangest thing happened. I got this uncontrollable urge to give somebody a wedgie. True story.

Alter egos

2008-11-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

There is something really pretentious about releasing an album under a fake identity like Beyonce's upcoming Sasha Fierce project. But Sasha Fierce only scores about a 3 on the "I'm a douchebag scale". Remember Garth Brook's gay alter ego, Chris Gaines? That's about a 9.5.

I do like it when comedians do this. Call it a double standard, but it's funny and entirely un-douchey. Blue Brothers, Spinal Tap, Tony Clifton, Borat, Vincent Laguardia Gambini; I enjoyed them all.

Necessary luxury

2008-11-14T14:06:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I take a minute out of my day and ponder why I, like so many Americans, have no money. Everyone knows the usual suspects: high gas prices, loan payments, credit cards etc. But it occurred to me, as it may have to you, that we have increasingly more "necessities" now than in the past.

For most of us, a cell phone is no longer a luxury item. I don't know a single person under 30 without one and I'd have to strain to think of a person under 50 without one. Simply put, it has become a necessity. Soon this will be the case for a smart phone (iphone, blackberry, etc.) and the incurring data plan that comes with it. Email has become a necessity, so has a home Internet connection.

The bare bones, no frills consumer is getting squeezed out of the things he once enjoyed. I don't have cable television and as a result I'm unable to watch what I would consider the basic staples of American sports, events that were, for as long as I can remember, enjoyed by millions of Americans for free. I can't watch Monday Night Football anymore. I couldn't watch 22 of the 28 playoff games played this baseball season. Same goes for the NBA playoffs and any football game played on a Thursday night.

Many things you once enjoyed for free you now have to pay for, whether it's listening to your favorite radio program or watching your favorite sports team play. If you want to be a functioning member of society, you need a cell phone, a computer and a monthly subscription to operate both. I don't have a land line, cable TV, or a data plan for my phone. I have the cheapest cellphone plan of anyone I know and the best deal on cable Internet going today and I still pay upwards of 75 dollars a month for services that I literally can not be without.

Election recap

2008-11-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

If this wasn't the greatest election of my life, it certainly was the grandest. It lasted nearly two years and was the most expensive campaign ever. These were some of my favorite moments:

Jan 07 - Senator Joe Biden calls Barack Obama "articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy" two days into his campaign, ending any chance he had of winning.

2/10/07 - Barak Obama formally announces he will run for President.

5/27/08 - John McCain formally announces he will run for President.

6/13/07 - Obama girl debuts on youtube.

10/22/07 - Chuck Norris endorses Governor Mike Huckabee.

12/13/07 - Oprah Winfrey endorses Obama.

1/3/08 - Obama wins Iowa Caucus.

2/5/08 - Super Tuesday - the Democratic race is still unresolved.

3/4/08 - McCain clinches Republican nomination.

3/18/08 - Obama gives his a speech on race in response to the fall out over Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

6/7/08 - Hillary Clinton concedes, endorses Obama.

8/22/08 - Joe Biden is selected as the Democratic candidate for Vice President.

8/29/08 - Governer Sarah Palin is selected as John McCain's running mate.

9/24/08 - McCain suspends campaign to fix economy days before the first presidential debate.

10/7/08 - McCain refers to Obama as "that one" during second debate.

10/14/08 - Joe "The Plumber" becomes a public figure after Obama tells him he wants to "spread the wealth around".

10/19/08 - Fmr. Secretary of State, Colin Powell endorses Obama.

10/22/08 - McCain activist, Ashley Todd claims she was mugged and beaten by an Obama supporter.

10/24/08 - Todd admits to fabricating her story.

11/4/08 - Barack Obama wins election.

Election day give-a-ways

2008-11-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

This is the big one, America. If you're not pumped, nervous, excited, or slightly worried then take your head out of your ass and pick an emotion. Here is a list of places giving away free stuff to voters:

Starbucks: Tell them you voted and get a free cup of coffee, America.

Ben & Jerry's: Get a free scoop of icecream. Go USA!

Krispy Kreme: Show your "I voted" sticker and get a free Election Day donut or depending on your spelling preference, Doughnut, America.

CREDO Mobile: If you suscribe to CREDO Mobile (who?) then you get free outgoing domestic calls as long as the polls are open. America!

Shane's Rib Shack: Get a free "Vote America Meal", America. That's three chicken tenders, fries and a 20 oz drink. Just show them your "I voted" sticker.

U.S.A!

Nov 4th Ballot props 9-12

2008-11-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

The remaining 4 measures on this Tuesday's ballot:

Prop 9: Victims rights and protection act

How I’m voting: NO

Why: The majority of what this measure proposes is sound and a ‘yes’ vote wouldn’t really be a bad idea. Some of it seems unnecessary though. Among other things, this wants to stop the early release of criminals due to overcrowded prisons, but that doesn’t even happen on the state level and that’s where they keep anybody serving more than 2 years. A ‘no’ vote keeps things the way they are now and that doesn’t cost any more than it already does.

Why you should vote yes: You want fewer parole hearings for prisoners.

Prop 10: California Alternative Fuels Initiative

How I’m voting: NO

Why: Originally I supported this measure, but the arguments against it changed my mind. This authorizes 5 billion in bonds to be used as incentives to get people to buy clean vehicles, but the vast majority of that will go to big companies with large fleets of cars. Boone Pickens’ company has spent upwards of 17 million to get this passed and if it does he will reap huge profits. If the economy didn’t have two feet in the shitter and if we didn’t already have a big state deficit I might have gone the other way.

Why you should vote yes: You plan on buying a car that runs on something other than gas.

Prop 11: Redistricting, ‘Voter’s First Act’

How I’m voting: YES

Why: It makes sense to me and I can’t find any sort of hidden agenda behind it. Once every ten years the state re-draws the boundaries of the 120 legislative districts. Currently the state legislature does that by itself, this creates a commission to do it. 99% of incumbents win under the current system so you know that the state legislature doesn’t want that to change…scumbags.

Why you should vote yes: You are a state representative and you don’t want to lose your seat.

Prop 12: Veterans Bond Act

How I’m voting: YES

Why: This allows the state to sell 900 million dollars in general obligation bonds for the use of low interest home loans for California veterans. The loans would be repaid by the veterans who receive them, but because the money is coming from general obligation bonds, the tax payers are responsible to cover the difference if the veterans in the program can not fully cover the amount owed. BUT, they’ve been doing this since 1921 and the veterans have always been able to repay their debts.

Why you should vote no: ?

Nov 4th Ballot props 5-8

2008-11-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is my take on measures 5 through 8.

Prop 5: Nonviolent Offender Rehabilitation Act

How I’m voting: NO

Why: This reduces jail time for a variety of non violent crimes like dealing meth and identity theft which aren’t exactly victimless. Meth dealers are scumbags who practice bootleg chemistry in trailer parks and they belong in jail for more than 3 months at a clip. Also there is a potential loop hole for violent offenders to get out of jail by claiming a drug addiction was responsible for their behavior.

Why you should vote yes: You like to carry an ounce of weed on you at any given time. You want the tweaker who stole your shit to go to rehab instead of jail.

Prop 6: Police and Law Enforcement Funding. Criminal Penalties and Laws

How I’m voting: NO

Why: This was another tough call. There are a lot of things in this measure that I like such as requiring sheriffs to notify Immigration and Customs Enforcement when an illegal alien is charged with a violent crime, but overall it is a little far reaching for something that will divert tax dollars away from other programs.

Why you should vote yes: You live in a gang infested area. You are a police officer. You aren’t voting to fund some of the other measures on the ballot.

Prop 7: Renewable energy generation initiative statute.

How I’m voting: NO

Why: I’m not going to lie. I didn’t read all the text for this measure because it’s like 40+ pages and pretty much devoid of any attention-keeping value. I did read the arguments and rebuttals and here’s what I came away with: the Republican, Democratic, Libertarian and Green Party are all against prop 7 for a variety of reasons, but all seem to think it is poorly written and that fits with what I thought when I was trying to read it.

Why you should vote yes: Danny Glover supports it.

Prop 8: Eliminates rights of same-sex couples to marry.

How I’m voting: NO

Why: If this was a vote on giving gay dudes a separate locker room at the gym I’d be all for it. But that doesn't change my belief that you should be able to marry whoever you want, where and whenever you want and I have no problem with schools teaching kids that some men marry men and some women marry women. Gay people exist and forbidding them from getting married isn’t going to make them go away.

Why you should vote yes: You believe homosexuality is a disease that spreads through tolerance and education. You’re a weirdo who thinks this is a slippery slope that ends with people marrying their pets.

Tomorrow: Measures 9-12

California Ballot Props 1A -4

2008-10-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

For anyone voting in California that doesn't know yet how they are voting or does and would like to discuss it, this is how I am voting:

Q) Why should you listen to me? A) You shouldn't, you should make up your own mind, but I read the entire voter information guide and we both know you didn't. Also, I'm probably smarter than you.

Prop 1A: Safe, reliable high speed passenger train bond act.

How I’m voting: YES

Why: Despite being an extremely costly (9.5 billion) and potentially problematic undertaking, a bullet train connecting San Francisco to Los Angeles and eventually San Diego and San Jose could be a tremendous success. With consistent travel at speeds of more than 200mph this would greatly reduce travel time, airline congestion and interstate highway traffic. It will also reduce California’s CO(2) emissions and reliance on foreign oil.

Why you should vote no: You are skeptical of state funded undertakings of this magnitude. You work for an oil company. You work for an airline.

Prop 2: Standards for Confining Farm Animals

How I’m voting: NO

Why: I spent more time thinking about and researching this measure than any of the rest and in the end it was probably the most difficult to decide on. I am completely in favor of giving pigs and calves adequate room to move around and if that were all this mandated then it would be a no-brainer, but this also bans the cages that farmers use to keep hens. I have to believe that if we passed this measure we would see farmers pick up and move to a state which allows them to use the equipment they currently have. The opponents of this measure say that hens kept outside are at risk for bird flu. I don’t believe that will be a real problem, but it is a scary thought. Finally I don’t want to import eggs from other states if we don’t have to, let alone Mexico.

Why you should vote yes: You already limit your egg purchases to those from free range hens. You believe the scumbag farmers who mistreat animals will stay put and abide by the new law rather than move their business elsewhere.

Prop 3: Children's Hospital Bond Act

How I’m voting: YES

Why: 980 million is a hefty sum especially when you consider the current economic outlook and state deficit, but I can’t in good conscious vote for a high speed train and not vote to fund children’s hospitals.

Why you should vote no: If you can sleep at night, do it

Prop 4: A 48 hour waiting period and parental notification before the termination of a minor’s pregnancy.

How I’m voting: NO

Why: I am not a pregnant teenager and I don’t know what it’s like to be one. I can’t pretend to know the reasons, valid or otherwise, that would cause a teenager to hide an abortion from her parents. Also (this is pure speculation on my part) if this were indeed the law, a scared and emotionally distraught girl might be more likely to attempt the procedure herself.

Why you should vote yes: You have a promiscuous teenage daughter.

Props 5-8 tomorrow

This kid rules

2008-10-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

Meet Moey Rojas. In addition to having a really cool name, he has a pretty neat idea for a Halloween costume and his own website, Candyvote.com.

He and his parents have fashioned a costume that will allow neighbors to vote for the candidate of their choice as he goes door to door. He will even give the neighbors a sticker that shows they voted. At the end of the night he will post the results online.

This is the good stuff that we need more of.

Another silly letter

2008-10-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

October 27, 2008

George Weston Bakeries
Consumer Relations Department
P.O. Box 976
Horsham, PA 19044

Dear Sir or Madam,

As I’m sure you’re well aware, I have, over the years, occasionally made claims to be Sal Entenmenn, heir to the Entenmenn fortune. Although I’ve never benefited financially as Sal, I have used him to score with dozens of impressionable women. Yes, Sal Entenmenn and his empty promises of Ferrari rides and private getaways have served me quite well over the years. That is why I would like to take this opportunity to give something back to him and by him, I mean you.

Without getting too much into the details of my exploits, I would like to share with you something you may find appealing. It’s not long after people find out that I’m heir to the Entenmenn fortune that they tell how much they enjoy the crumb cake, specifically the crumbs. That is why I began telling people that I, Sal Entenmenn, have created Entenmenn’s "Bucket O’ Crumbs".

Let me explain the concept. You take the same crumbs that are on the crumb cake and you put them in a bucket. You don’t put the cake in the bucket, only the crumbs. I repeat: there is no cake in the bucket. Sal Entenmenn is all about giving the people what they want. Whether it’s a great night and a really disappointing morning or their favorite part of the cake, I think the people deserve it. Thank you.

I don't buy it.

2008-10-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

The story: McCain supporter and white person, Ashley Todd was mugged at an ATM in Pittsburgh. What makes this story interesting is that after her attacker, a "big black guy", took her 60 dollars he noticed a McCain sticker on her car. Seeing it made him so black and angry that he punched her in the head and carved a backwards "B" in her face. The "B" is believed to stand for "Barack", but it could also stand for "black" or "big black penis".

Enter logic: Either A) there is a very large, angry, dyslexic black man roaming the streets of Pittsburgh with 60 dollars in his pocket or B) somebody is lying.

Silly white girl. You should have carved an "O" in your face. Nobody is dumb enough to make a backwards "O".

Halloween and perverts

2008-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post this sign on their door and turn out their lights on Halloween. Those who do not post the signs and remain at home will be taken to court and charged with a violation of parole.

I get what they are trying to do here, but I have some problems with it.

1) Sex offenders have the best candy. That's a fact. Let's say 100 kids show up at Mr. Ticklefinger's door. Ok? 99 are walking away with Hershey bars.

2) That's all I got. They're kid touchers for fuck sake, I did my best.

Gold Peak Tea

2008-10-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

I just tried the green tea variety of Coca Cola's new Gold Peak iced tea and... that was a mistake. Like an ass, I didn't read the label before I bought it so I didn't notice the 44 grams of sugar they stuffed into a 16 ounze bottle until it hit my lips.

I didn't even realize it was made by Coke until I tasted it and knew something had gone horribly wrong. It was so sweet I seriously thought for a second I was drinking pancake syrup.

One packet of sugar contains 4 grams, so yes, I just drank 11 packets of sugar.

If we were at a restaurant together and you ordered an iced tea then started pouring sugar in it, I would have to ask you to leave the table once you cracked open the 5th packet. By the 8th packet I am deleting you from my phone and we are no longer friends. If I drove, you are walking home or to the dentist or wherever it is crazy people like you need to go when you're done being crazy. If you made it to 10 packets and I am still in the restaurant I am wrestling your voter registration card away from you and tearing it into a thousand pieces because people like you shouldn't be allowed to have a say in how our society operates.

Talking doll upsets America

2008-10-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

Parents around the country are concerned that a new talking doll from Fisher Price is saying something they don't want their kids to hear. The doll is supposed to coo and make babbling baby noises like a good, Jesus loving American baby, but what it actually says is "Islam is the light".

The president of Fisher Price, Asif Abdul Muhammed, said "the doll does not contain any hidden messages and will remain in stores... Insha'Allah."

Charts

2008-10-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

It's no secret: I like charts. I want to make my own charts (and graphs) that I hope will someday be a major part of this blog. I'm using adobe illustrator and so far I'm pretty lousy. If' you're a psycho or just really observant, you will have noticed that I've widened the margins of the website. That is to make room for all these bad ass charts.

So let me tell you a little bit about this first one. It is a pie chart of Steven Seagal's first 30 roles. He played a cop or ex-cop 12 times, a CIA agent or a spy 5 times and fuck it, that's what the chart is for.

VP Debate

2008-10-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

You saw the wink, right? When she did that I was like "ohhhhhhh snap!" Biden was not ready for that shit. She was like "gee, gee, golly, gosh...WINK!" Wink to the face, America!

Then Ol 'plugs' Biden started breathing all heavy on the mic like he was trying not to punch somebody. It was crazy, yo!

But who won? That's what people want to know. That's what I wanted to know. So I went to 5 different websites to see what the polls said.

According to the voters on the Drudge report, Palin won by a landslide. Not as big as the landslide that Joe Biden won by according to the poll conducted by MSNBC, but a landslide nontheless. Let's take a look at the numbers, shall we?

So what exactly does this mean? Aside from proof that internet polls are worthless, nothing!

It's official!

2008-09-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Using a photo lifted from Google image search and Microsoft paint I have created this timely political cartoon.

McCain wins debate, crushes laws of physics!

2008-09-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

John McCain, winner of tonight's yet to occur presidential debate, has not only vanquished his democratic opponent, he has bested the space-time continuum.

The complicated laws of space-time which govern our universe came up short against the crafty Senator from Arizona. In a brilliant move, Senator McCain pretended to call off the debate so he could return to Washington and fix our economic woes. But while a dummy McCain sat quietly through the emergency bailout meetings, the real McCain was in Mississippi, 36 hours ahead of everyone else.

The critics who chastised McCain for suspending his campaign, flying to Washington and sitting on his hands, not talking, not offering an opinion, not really doing anything while his peers discussed how to solve the problems on Wall Street, will be shocked to learn that was only a dummy. The real McCain tore through the fabric of space-time like it was a pair of delicate panties.

McCain reemerged from the future this morning, covered in a thin layer of goo and looking fatigued when he declared his victory by way of Internet advertising.

obligatory Clay Aiken is gay post

2008-09-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Did Lohan pick the wrong week to fake being gay or what?

What would have had to happen for something other than this story to make the cover of People magazine? Travis Barker and DJ AM almost died in a fiery plane wreck and all they got was a tiny little box off to the side. Same with the people who got all dolled up for the Emmys. Tough shit ladies, Clay Aiken is gay!

You want to know what's gay? Coming out of the closet in People magazine is gay. George Michael came out after he got caught trying to pass himself off in a turnpike shithouse. That's how a man comes out of the closet, with a dick in his hand, not holding a baby.

Gyllenhaaled

2008-09-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

You know how when an actor gets replaced by another actor on a TV show or in a sequel, like they did with Mrs. Banks on the Fresh Prince. I call this getting gyllenhaaled. Because when Tobey Maguire said he hurt his back filming Seabiscuit and didn't want to shoot some of the scenes in Spiderman 2, the producers threatened to replace him with Jake Gyllenhaal. And when Katie Holmes couldn't cut the mustard in Batman they replaced her with Maggie Gyllenhaal. And on the TV show Entourage, when the fictional Vinnie Chase decided not to star in Aquaman 2 and they replaced him with you guessed it...Jake Gyllenhaal.

But did you know?

Rock and Roll High School Forever starring Corey Feldman was supposed to also star Corey Haim, but he got gyllenhaaled because he was all fucked up on the drugs so an actor by the name of Evan Richards did a Corey Haim impersonation instead. Now dig on this: Corey Feldman, who provided the voice of Donatello in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, got gyllenhaaled out of the sequel because he was all fucked up on you guessed it...the drugs. He did come back for the third installment.

For my money though, the greatest gyllenhaaling of all time: the Back the Future trilogy. Everybody knows Elizabeth Shue gyllenhaaled the girl who played Marty's girlfriend in part I, but did you know this: Crispin Glover played George McFly in the first one, but Jeffrey Weissman portrayed him in parts II and III. Through the use of prosthetics and a really good Crispin Glover impersonation almost nobody could tell.

Blaine goes upside down

2008-09-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Unless you've been living under a rock, you already know that "endurance artist", David Blaine has announced his newest and most dangerous stunt.

Starting September 22nd he will be suspended 50 feet above Central Park's Wollman Skating Rink, without a net, for 60 straight hours.

But don't worry. He will be using magnetic boots so there is absolutely zero chance of him falling. And he'll be above a skating rink so it will be really hard to throw shit at him from the slippery ice below.

The real danger will be taking place inside Blaine's body where the rush of blood to his head could cause him to go blind and/or have a brain hemorrhage. He also faces the very real threat of pissing in his own face which could contribute to the blindness thing.

Blaine's past stunts include being buried underground and being encased in a block of ice. He holds the world record for holding one's breath and has taken the world's longest shower.

In addition to his death defying stunts, he is an accomplished magician and bullshit artist, most famous for his failed attempt to make Dick Cheney appear likable.

This really happened

2008-09-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

On my way to work this morning I saw a woman pushing a dog in a stroller. The following took place inside my brain over the course of about one second:

That is the ugliest baby I've... Oh shit, devil spawn, kill it. Wait, no. I've been dosed. Just go home and ride it out. The boss will understand, he used to party. Wait, is that? Ohhhh, I get it now. This person is a crazy maniac.

When I got to work I googled "psychos and dogs" and I found out a lot of stuff... like, they make strollers for cats too.

Porn ousted!

2008-09-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

For the first time in the history of the world, something other than porn is attracting the most Internet traffic. According to a new study out of Australia, social networking sites are now the most visited destinations online, usurping the previous king of the Internet... titties. Oh really?

So the modern teenage boy is no longer satisfied by the unattainable women of eastern Europe whose brimming mouths mumble barely coherent English. Entertain if you will, my theory:

The object of adolescent fantasy has come full circle. Today's teenager, like his pre-Internet ancestors before him, fills his fancy with the young ladies of his very own home town. Now, teenage boys everywhere, nerds and jocks a like, can electronically befriend the big tittied cheerleader who showed a little too much side boob in a facebook bikini pic. They can pull up photos of the pretty girl from Spanish class who didn't notice the camel toe on her myspace page. Behold! The easy girl who never wears a bra to gym, wears nothing but a bra online! With the click of a mouse these boys are whisked away to a sleepover that took place last month, last week or even last night.

And you thought they were looking at something other than titties. Shame on you. The golden age of the Internet is truly upon us.

Help me understand this

2008-09-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Allow me to revisit something that happened a while back. John Edwards, while running for President, cheated on his wife... who was recovering from cancer. His political career is over. I think we can agree on that. Why he would risk what he risked when he risked it is beyond me. But hold on, that's not exactly why I'm so perplexed.

His mistress gave birth to a baby and he was asked if the baby was his. He claimed there was no way it could be his because of the timing of the affair. Stop. Does anybody else see a problem here? How about "There is no way it could be mine because I wore a rubber." Anybody?

Am I crazy? Because basically he is saying, "yeah, not only did I cheat on my wife who had cancer while I was running for president, I went in bareback and blew a load in this chick, but don't be crazy, the kid's not mine, the timing's all wrong".

Does anybody really think for a second that it's not his kid? I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but for fuck's sake. How about throwing a dome on it, Johnboy.

Hooooahhh!

2008-09-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Righteous Kill was #3 at the Box Office!

Take the poll

Free Poll by Blog Flux

False outrage

2008-09-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

The McCain campaign took full advantage of Obama's choice of words this week, contorting them into a much talked about ad. Here is it:

But what's this? Oh snap! It's Senator McCain using the same, very common expression.

Choosing a President

2008-08-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

If you don’t know who you’re voting for yet then you probably haven’t been paying attention. If you have then you’ve no doubt heard discussions about what makes someone qualified to be President. This is about when somebody yells something about experience and if you’re still listening then you’re already heading down the wrong path. The question you need to be asking yourself up to and until you cast your precious vote, is not who is the most qualified, but who will actually make the best president. It’s true that what makes up the most qualified candidate and what makes up the best choice for president often overlap, but in the end they are different questions.

Not always, but often enough, when someone votes for who they think the most qualified candidate is, what they are really doing is voting against someone else, someone they believe or fear does not have what it takes to be our president. This is not the case when someone genuinely votes for who they think will be the best president, when they vote for the candidate they think will take our nation the furthest, the person they believe will do the most to better their own life and the lives of their friends and family. That person has truly voted for someone.

Another problem with giving an inordinate amount of weight to being qualified is that qualification is largely determined by experience and no one is more experienced than a sitting president. This of course goes against a fundamental principle of our democracy, makes up part of the reason why we actually hold elections in the first place and is the defining reason why we do not elect kings.

It’s easy to see why qualification is such an overvalued factor. There is, after all, no test a presidential candidate can take to show what kind of job he would do and if elected and only time can tell how good of a job he actually did. We can, however, look at history and see that some of our greatest presidents were not necessarily the most qualified candidates. Our greatest president, Abraham Lincoln, did not attend college and his highest office prior to becoming president was congressman. His opponent, Stephen A. Douglas was a college graduate, a senator, and it I’m sure it was argued, the most qualified person for the job.

In this day and age it is safe to assume that if you’ve made it as far as your party’s nomination you are adequately qualified to hold the office. Trying to determine which candidate is more qualified should be a brief discussion among discussions about who will be the best person to lead our nation.

Why God?

2008-05-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Why?

Michael Jackson looks sharp

2007-11-06T10:46:00.001-08:00

Michael Jackson is on the cover of Ebony this month looking like a million bucks.

In a completely unrelated story, a black stallion is missing its tail.

Quick question

2007-10-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

I can't get my itunes to show the umlauts in Mötley Crüe and I am stickler for authenticity. Any suggestions? Anybody?

Nobel Prizes Awarded!

2007-10-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

So the big story is Al Gore winning the peace prize which is a joke on its own. Here are the other winners:

MEDICINE goes to Mario R. Capecchi, Sir Martin J. Evans and Oliver Smithies for "their discoveries of principles for introducing specific gene modifications in mice by the use of embryonic stem cells."

CHEMISTRY has been awarded to Gerhard Ertl "for his studies of chemical processes on solid surfaces."

PHYSICS has been awarded to Chad Kroger for "successfully converting fecal matter into sound waves."

LITERATURE goes to Dorris Lessing, the English novelist whose "prolific writing extends from the realistic to the fabulous."

Number 2

2007-10-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

If you've ever been pulled over or arrested, you know how helpless you can feel being at the mercy of the police. They have all the power and there is nothing you can do to even the playing field unless you feel like getting tasered or tacking on charges to your sentence.

Fear not, I have come up with a plan. Next time you are being frisked, handcuffed, or restrained, try this little tactic. Allow the policeman to do his job, then calmy tell him that you must confess, you are hiding something that may be illegal in the back of your underpants. Then take a shit right there in your pants, just go ahead and crap yourself. He will reach into your backside and sink his hand into a nice warm turd.

If you're questioned about it, say you got so nervous that you lost control and shit yourself. That isn't a crime.

Feel free to try this next time you're randomly selected at the airport.

Masculine, feminine

2007-09-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

By now you've probably seen (or at least heard about) the compromising pictures of Oscar De La Hoya. If you haven't, it's not too hard to find them. Basically he is wearing panties and a wig and can be seen posing in positions that wouldn't exactly be described as masculine.

There has been much debate over the legitimacy of the photos. Stripper Milana Dravnel, seen in the photos with DLH, claimed they were real, then abruptly changed her story and admitted to faking them.

I will let other, less sophisticated bloggers debate whether the photos are real. Instead I raise the following question.

Take the poll

Free Poll by Blog Flux

McNabb is right, but he's still a bum

2007-09-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb made headlines recently by saying that black quarterbacks come under heavier scrutiny than their white counterparts. This comes after two lackluster performances by McNabb and an 0-2 start by the Eagles.

For the record, McNabb is correct. When it comes to his position there is still a considerable amount of racism in the NFL. Whether they are conscious of it or not, the brains behind many NFL teams clearly consider race as a factor when choosing a quarterback. It was this kind of thinking that sent Warren Moon to the Edmonton Eskimos in 1978.

Flash forward to 2006. Vince Young of the Texas Longhorns single handedly powers his team to the national championship and in the process turns in one of the greatest performances in team sports history in the Rose Bowl. He is arguably the best player available in the NFL draft and he plays the most important position on the field, quarterback.

He was not taken first in the draft despite his size, speed, throwing accuracy, arm strength, and proven ability to come through in a close game. Instead he was taken 3rd.

The reason Vince Young was taken 3rd and not first? He did not score well on the Wonderlic test, an intelligence test used by the NFL to determine if a player (particularly a quarterback) is smart enough to handle the complicated offenses and defenses of professional football.

The two players taken ahead of him, Mario Williams and Reggie Bush are both playing well for their respective teams but neither has had any where near the impact of Vince Young. He won rookie of the year and became the first rookie QB to play in the pro-bowl, clearly proving he is intelligent enough to handle the intricacies of an NFL offense.

So while I do think the NFL and the media surrounding it have come a long way since the days when it was accepted that blacks couldn't play quarterback, I do think that on some level this fallacy still persists in the minds of many.

Donovan McNabb on the other hand is completely washed up and currently holds the title of the most overrated player in the NFL. Last year after going 5-4 he got hurt then back up Jeff Garcia came in, went 5-2 and led the Eagles to the playoffs after everybody thought the season was over. This year he plain old stinks, but that doesn't make his statement any less true.

5 funniest people on TV

2007-09-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Not watching the Emmy awards the other night got me thinking. Who are the 5 funniest people on TV? I’m not talking about who is the best actor or any of that bullshit. Straight up, who are the 5 funniest people on American TV right now? Keywords being right and now.

Here they are.

5) Kenneth from 30 Rock (NBC)

4) Johhny Drama from Entourage (HBO)

3) Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock (NBC)

2) Murray from Flight of the Conchords (HBO)

1) Creed from the Office (NBC)

Honorable Mentions: Tracey Jordan, 30 Rock. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Dude almost got his balls ripped off

2007-09-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

So a Texas Longhorn fan walked into a bar in Sooner country and left his balls inside. That's not a bad joke, it's one man's sad existence. Here is the real story.

OK, so his balls weren't completely ripped off, but they were dangling around his knees when he left so we can assume they're useless. How does something crazy like this happen in a sane world? Let me explain.

Basically what you have is a big guy (the Texas fan) and a little guy (the Oklahoma fan). The big guy probably walks into this bar wearing his favorite Texas shirt, expecting to get a little ribbing. He probably hears a few wise cracks, whatever. Then this little guy gets a few beers in him and starts mouthing off. Big guy has just about enough so he gets its in the little guy's face, thinks he's going to teach him a lesson. Now the little guy, he's not stupid, this dude has 40lbs on him so what's he do? He goes for the groin. Smart move. The big guy left himself open by wearing basketball shorts into the bar and the little guy took advantage and was able to wiggle his hand up there, grab hold of those plums and yank them like he was ringing a bell.

What's the big guy do now? Well, he has two choices. He could use his thumbs to permanently blind the man. That is probably his best bet, but as the article clearly states, the little guy can still see. So he missed that boat. This leaves him with option number two: find where the little guy lives and kill him in the night while he's sleeping. Good luck big guy.

Anybody else tired of this?

2007-09-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I get about 4 new credit card applications in the mail every week and if you have a pulse you probably get them too. These letters say you've qualified for some special deal, but really they are saying "please sign up for a credit card, buy something you don't need and miss a payment so we can bleed you like a leech." If I want a credit card I will take the necessary steps to get one, end of story.

I am starting a new trend that will hopefully put an end to these obnoxious credit card mailings and I'm asking you to join me. It only takes about 30 seconds of your time. From now on, every time you get a new credit card application simply open it up and remove the pre-paid return envelope from the rest of the crap inside. Take the application and whatever else is in there and shred it. Now take the shredded application, stick it in the pre-paid envelope and drop it in the mail.

Why should you be the one who has to throw that crap away? Let them do it. And since these scumbags are paying for postage, why not make them use it. Hopefully after they get about 100,000 of these they'll get the idea.

*If you don't have a shredder just tear it up, but I would remove any pieces containing your name and throw them away before you send it back just to be safe.

Please forward this idea to everybody or link them back to this page.

Lonely Larry

2007-09-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard by now that Senator Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for disorderly conduct in a men's room at the Minneapolis/ St. Paul airport. That can mean almost anything because disorderly conduct is a pretty far reaching term. Chances are you know somebody who got slapped with a disorderly conduct charge after their liquor got the better of them. In Senator Craig's case, however, disorderly conduct means trying to catch a handjob from a stranger while completely sober. This begs the question: can we file Senator Craig in that folder of conservative pundits like Pastor Ted Haggard and Congressman Mark Foley who stand firmly against homosexuality by kneeling down for a face full of cock?

Not so fast. Representative Foley is a pedophile with a taste for young boys and working knowledge of the Internet. Pastor Ted likes to get high on meth and top off his night by paying for sex with dudes. Those cats are fags.

Larry Craig isn't gay. Larry Craig was lonely. People get lonely all the time. Don't try to tell me you never got lonely in a turnpike bathroom and sought the warm refuge of another man's penis. I don't want to hear your lies and I don't have time for liars. If you want to sit there in front of your computer and tell me you've never felt all alone in the world while you pinched a loaf in an airport bathroom you're either a conjoined twin or a fucking liar. Which one is it?

Nobody likes being lonely and anybody will tell you that airport bathrooms and turnpike rests stops are two of the loneliest places in the world. It doesn't make you a gay if you and a couple of random dudes get together to make the loneliness go away then go home to your wives and never talk about it ever again. Quite the contrary. That is normal, Larry Craig is normal. You are the weird one with the other person growing out of your spine. You are the freak, the rest of us get lonely.

If you want to see that folder I was talking about, here it is.

When Castro dies

2007-08-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

According to who you choose to believe, Fidel Casto may already be dead. Fat internet douchebag Perez Hilton claims he died last week while the Cuban government claims he's doing fine. Personally I think he's alive, just old and sickly and probably looking like shit, thus not making any public appearances.

Let's assume he is dead. Ok, now what? There is supposed to be a big party in Miami. Why? What do you think is going to happen once he dies? He already handed control of the government over to his brother. What difference does it make if he's lying in bed sipping tea or lying in a box of dirt? Either way Cuba isn't "free". Starbucks and Walmart aren't going to roll in there and take over.

I don't see how it's much of a moral victory either - an 80 something man died peacefully of natural causes. He probably outlived 2/3rds of the people who had any legitimate reason to celebrate his death. We tried to kill this fucker a dozen times and couldn't. You didn't win, he did.

Nobody is going to get their shit back. Cuba is still communist and even if it weren't, you aren't getting your shit back anyway. People live there now. You might have a 60 year old peice of paper that says you own a spot of land, but the 50 Cubans living on it would beg to differ.

So why are we partying? Because a bad guy died after he lived a very long and extremely successful life? What sense does that make? Like I said, he won. He led a revolution and saw it all the way to the end. Whether you agree with him or hate everything he stands for, you have to admit he was successful. So anybody who wants to party it up when he dies must be a loser, because Castro is the winner here.

nothing is that exciting

2007-08-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through the pages of Life & Style, which is a weekly celebrity tabloid if you didn't know.

Why?

Because we get it at work and I had to take a shit. So I'm sitting there "reading" when I notice- there sure are a lot of exclamation points in this magazine. So I started to count them. I made it to page 61, about 2/3rds of the way through, then I finished my crap and the idea kind of lost its luster. I skipped over the advertisements because I figure that doesn't count. All told I counted 156 exclamation points. 156 exclamation points! And remember, I didn't make it all the way through. If I didn't run out of poop I bet I could have found 225.

For your viewing pleasure, 156 exclamation points in the shape of an exclamation point:

!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!

Too far?

2007-08-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

I’m usually a big proponent of technology and the change it levies on society. Generally, I stand up for science when people make claims of a slippery slope or going too far. That being said, I shutter to think that given today’s capabilities virtually anyone with a computer and an internet connection can know exactly where I am at any given moment.

Websites like Phone trace are popping up left and right, allowing visitors to enter a phone number and find the exact location of where the last call was made from. It used to be that a technology such as this would be reserved for the police or FBI. Now everybody has access to it. Frightening.

opensource

2007-08-14T10:26:00.001-07:00

I'd like to talk to you today about opensource software. I am not an expert on this subject and don't claim to be. Hopefully this entry will serve as a starting point for others wishing to learn more about the opensource movement and possibly be a place where more knowledgeable folks can share what they know.

First off, what I do know about the opensource movement is that there is far too much information on both sides of the argument to get into it here. If you'd like to get into the specifics of the pros and cons, the history and the future, here is the wikipedia entry.

To those of you who are completely clueless on the subject, basically opensource (at least with regards to software) means that the source code is made publicly available. This means that users can alter the software to fit their needs or make general improvements to it - a.k.a, the shit is free.

Many of you already use Mozilla Firefox, an open source web browser that is every bit as good as (if not superior to) Microsoft's Internet Explorer. What you may not know is that many of your favorite programs have open source equivalents that are every bit as proficient as Firefox. For example:
Microsoft Office costs anywhere from $200 - $600 depending on what version you get.
Open Office is free and does everything Microsoft office can. It runs on Mac or Windows and includes
Writer - a word processor equivalent to Microsoft Word
Calc - a spread sheet = Microsoft Excell
Impress - a presentation program = Powerpoint
Base - a database program = Microsoft Access
Math - a program for editing mathematical formulae = Microsoft Equation Editor

When I say it is equivalent I mean it looks and operates just like the Microsoft program it is competing with. For example, OpenOffice Writer can read, modify and save Microsoft word documents. There are some discrepancies with regards to features but if your options are paying 200 bucks for Office or legally obtaining a program that is 95% identical, I recommend the latter.

Other opensource software includes:

Inkscape: a vector tool similar to Illustrator
GIMP: a raster graphics editor very similar to Photoshop.
Blender: a 3D animation program

There are also completely free operating systems available, such as Ubuntu. So your entire computer can be free from the grasp of Apple and Microsoft. I have never used Ubuntu or any other linux OS so I can't endorse or detract from them in any way.

There are many more opensource applications that are beyond my expertise. I welcome any of their users to comment on or explain their uses.

I'm Back

2007-08-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,
I was out of the country for the last few weeks, but I have returned and have many new bloggings to bring you. Expect a new entry shortly. Thank you for your loyal support.

A Brief History of Porn

2007-07-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

As you sit here reading this over the Internet, chances are you have another window for another site open and chances are that site contains some porno.

The anonymity of the Internet fits so beautifully well with the solitary, secretive use of porn, that collectively they have been able to reach new heights. Porn companies around the globe can tap into previously unattainable markets and porn users from all corners of the world are but a click away from limitless debauchery. I am far from an expert in economics but my guess is you would have to go pretty far back in time to find a better example of when supply and demand were mutually fulfilled in such a way.

There was however a time, seemingly forgotten in the past, when men were forced to venture beyond the sanctity of their homes to quench this thirst for (two dimensional live action) pornography.

First there was the porno theatre. I can not speak on this in great detail as it was before my time and I have never been inside one. I can however, imagine what it was like and that image is not a pleasant one. Perhaps ther person most famously associated with this type of establishment is the great children's comedian Pee Wee Herman. By showing his pecker to his fellow theatre goers and subsequently being arrested for it, Mr. Herman has shown us just how far removed from this type of establishment we've become. The porno theatre was already on life support by the time of Pee Wee's arrest, now it is virtually extinct.

Privacy is the common theme here, as we move from what is essentially a circle jerk inside a theatre, to being able to rub one out in your own home. Enter the video store. Now porn hungry slobs could simply select a movie of their choice while in the company of others then retire to their home and do their business in private.

I know a thing or two about the back room of the video store. There are rules one must follow. And just as our friend Pee Wee learned inside the porno theatre, violating these rules can have its consequences. Rather than take up unnecessary space and risk interrupting the nice flow I've got going, you can simply view said rules and regulations here.

So in a span of less than 30 years we've gone from a collective group watching the same film, jerking off at the same time, to a collective group making individual choices and jerking off in private. That brings us up to the present day, where the Internet has allowed us to make a private individual choice before we retire in private to jerk off alone.

All three vessels, the theatre, the video store, and the Internet provide us with what we want - porno. However it is only the Internet that is able to provide it in such an individualized, privatized way.

If you have half a brain I'm sure you realise that I'm not really talking about porn, but rather using it is a platform to address life in general and the role technology plays in our society.

Thus, my question to you is this: As we approach a society where individual accessibility (often marketed as a connected global community) has become the standard and where sharing is quickly becoming a thing of the past; how does that affect the psyche of man, who by way of God or nature is a communal creature?

PG-13 and the death of the action film

2007-07-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

The American action film is dead. The United States has not produced a good action movie in close to 10 years. The last genuinely good, edge of your seat American action movie I saw was Kiss of the Dragon. That came out in 2001 and the writer, the director and 2 of the 3 leads were foreign born so I don't know if you can even count that as an American film.

Die Hard is without question the greatest action movie ever made. It reinvented the genre and it's probably the most borrowed from, mimicked film in cinema history. Why then did I not go to see the most recent installment of this franchise? Because I am tired of seeing wimpy, watered down, pansy-ass, pussy-foot PG-13 action movies.

There was once a time, not long ago when this great nation put out hard core, ass kicking, R-Rated action movies. Movies like Death Wish, First Blood, Predator, Die Hard, Total Recall, Bloodsport, Robocop, Terminator, Aliens, etc. etc. Look at the PG-13 pussy shit we have now: Pearl Harbor, XXX, Sahara, The Marine, The Transporter, etc. etc.

Even Transformers which is based on some Hasbro play toys is softened up compared to the original CARTOON. I don't expect the makers of Transformers to put out a hard R, but how could a cartoon aimed directly at children in the mid 80s be more intense than the live action film made in 2007 directed at those same children who are now adults? That's fucking embarrassing.

Don't even get me started on Horror movies.

This is the new model for success in Hollywood -take an R-Rated classic, put it through the sissy cycle and remake as a PG-13 piece of trash that a bunch of 14 year old girls will go see before a sleep over.

Here is short list of classic R- Rated movies currently being remade into PG-13 wastes of time:

Creepshow
The Warriors
Prom Night
Dolemite
Battle Royal
Conan
Foxy Brown
Hellraiser
Police Academy
Revenge of the Nerds

enjoy.

The 5 ballsiest wigs in the world

2007-07-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

It takes a lot of balls to walk out of your house with a rug on your head. And nowadays with hair regrowth treatments getting better and baldness more fashionably acceptable than ever before, the amount of balls it takes to put a toupee on your head and parade it around like it's your real hair is simply mind boggling.

Before I go any further, I don't want to hear any bullshit about "so and so doesn't wear a wig". Yes he does, and you are wearing a wig over your eyes if you don't think so.

Without further adieu, I give you the 5 ballsiest mother fuckers in the world.

5. Sam Donaldson - the news anchor has been the poster boy for toupee wearers for more than 40 years.

If there is a toupee wearer's hall of fame, Sam Donaldson is in it. No one has swung thier balls in the face of America longer than Sam Donaldson.

He is so closely associated with the toupee that if you're talking to someone who is unfamiliar with toupees, you can simply say "you know, like Sam Donaldson."

4. Ben Affleck- or as I call him Wig Wearin' Ben Affleck.

When he burst onto the scene in the late 90s, Wig Wearin' Ben Affleck's hair line was three quarters of an inch north of where it is today.

It's tough being a movie star because you have to look good all the time, especially when you can't rely on your acting chops to get you through the ups and downs of a career in hollywood. Wig Wearin' Ben has done pretty well for himself if you ask me.

3. David Thomson - Canada's richest man.

Don't let his geekish looks fool you. This guy is no computer whiz, he inherited his 22 billion dollars from his father.

What's the point of having all that money if you can't swing your balls in a great many faces? This man has 22 billion dollars, that’s exactly twenty one billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred eighty two more dollars than he has hairs on his head. That's ballsy!

2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - President of Iran.

This guy is considered one of the biggest threats to the United States. If his balls are big enough to walk around with that ridiculous wig on the top of his head, they are big enough to shun UN weapons inspectors.

Clearly this man doesn't give a fuck what people think about him, so long as they don't think he's bald. Does he have a nuclear weapon? I don't know. Does he have a persian rug sitting on the top of his head? Yes. Are his balls firmly pressed up against the face of the world? Yes indeed.

1. The dude from Quiet Riot.

This cat just don't give a fuck. He was balding...nay bald, in the mid 80s. He resurfaces in the late 90s with hair curtains that look like something out of Amadeus.

The sheer audacity of his wig catapults him the front of this list. He absolutely rules and his balls are the size of dinner plates.

My silly letters

2007-07-04T16:49:00.001-07:00

There once was a time when I had nothing better to do than write silly letters. Some people have asked to see them so here they are in their original form. Each letter is its own post.

Orange Julius - 03/10/2003

VH1 - 05/04/2005

General Mills - 09/06/2005

enjoy.

The Showdown

2007-07-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

July 4th, 2007 - perhaps the most anticipated showdown in the history of all mantimes. The six time undefeated, undisputed champion of the world Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi vs. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, the man who broke his unbreakable record.
If it's not enough that Chestnut already holds the world record, consider this: Kobayashi has acute arthitis of the jaw, an injury that could not only threaten his chances, but his career. To give people an idea how serious this injury is, imagine taking a sledgehammer to the foot of a world class sprinter a week before the Olympics. As of today, it is still unknown if Kobayashi will even compete in tomorrow's contest.

Some are claiming Kobayashi is hiding behind the injury because he's afraid of the American superstar. Others claim he is outright faking it. A fiddle playing friend of mine from a progressive folk rock band, told me:

"Kobayashi is being a pansy, he knows he's going to get creamed. "

Chestnut himself was quoting as saying:

"I hate to call anybody a coward, and I wouldn't call him that,

but I don't know. He's shown up the six previous years.

It's a strange coincidence, now that he's the underdog."

But is he really the underdog? Consider the facts: Yes, Chestnut's 59.5 HDBs (hot dogs and buns) is almost 5 better than Kobayashi's best. HOWEVER, Kobayashi has never been defeated by a mortal human. His only loss came against a 1,089 lb Kodiak Grizzly Bear. No man has stood shoulder to shoulder and bested him, including Chestnut. They have faced each other numerous times in the past, but each and every time the Tsunami washed him away.

It's one thing to break his record, it's another to stand across from him and defeat him. Until someone beats him, he is the champion.

Staples is built on a mountain of lies

2007-07-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

It's not often that a personal vendetta makes its way into a blog, but today a bone of the personal sort must be picked. Today I am calling out Staples, who once again has lied to my FACE. Where is my rebate for $8.00 that I was supposed to get over a month ago?

Fact: I sent in all the forms in a timely fashion on April 2nd, 2007.

Fact: I was told my rebate would be processed and mailed to me in no later than 10 weeks.

Fact: It has now been exactly 13 weeks and 1 day and I have not recieved my $8.00.

This is not the first time Staples has tried to screw me. There is the time I paid for and ordered a personalized rubber stamp that was never made. That was $4.50. There is the time I bought a cordless phone and never got my $10.00 rebate that I was promised. So this time I saved all the paperwork and waited patiently for Staples to screw me and they walked right into my trap.

So I called Staples and confronted them about it. Here is the transcript of my conversation:

Staples lady: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: Where is my rebate?

Staple lady: ok, sir, hold on.

Me: Don't do it.

--I am put on hold--

Staples lady: have you calmed down?

Me: I'll calm down when I get my 8 dollars American.

Staples lady: What is your rebate number?

Me: (I give the number)

Staples lady: Your rebate is in the final stages of processing.

Me: Let's talk straight talk. You weren't going to give me my rebate were you?

Staples lady: We are.

Me: Liars make me sick to my stomach.

Staples lady: I am going to put an immediate rush on your rebate.

Me: Thank you.

Staples lady: You should get your rebate in about 2 weeks.

Me: 2 weeks is an immediate rush?

Staples lady: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: No, you have been very helpfull.

Wrestling deaths

2007-06-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

In lieu of the bizarre and tragic deaths of Chris Benoit and his family I thought it appropriate to examine what seems to be a disturbing trend in professional wrestling: the untimely deaths of so many of its stars.

Wrestling fans know that many of their childhood heroes have died young. HERE is a list of wrestlers I grew up watching who did not live to be 50.

I have not examined any of these deaths in great detail and by no means am I a medical expert, but I have my theories for why such a trend exists.

1) the tremendous size of most of these men. Carrying around 300, in some cases 500lbs or more is very taxing. You don't see many 350lb men over the age of fifty in any walk of life.

2) the pressure to be big and the use of steroids. Steroid use was rapant during the peak of a lot of these careers. Side effects are numerous and can include heart disease, paranoia and depression.

3) the pressure to perform and the use of painkillers. When your job consits of falling from great heights and being dropped on your head, chances are you're going to be in a lot of pain. Painkillers are regularly used so these guys can perform day in and day out.

4) narcotics and the rock star lifestyle. You've heard the theory that rockstars use drugs to match the adrenaline high of being on stage, to keep the party going if you will. Same applies here.

Mixing drugs, whether they be steroids, painkillers, prescriptions, alochol, cocaine or anything else, can be a deadly combination.

5) bad luck. Sometimes being in the wrong place at the wrong time is all it takes.

The caged bird sings

2007-06-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Expect to see fireworks when demographics clash! Larry King has landed the exclusive interview with parolee, Paris Hilton. It airs tonight on Larry King Live.

I wonder if King, who briefly did time back in '71 for trying to pass some bad checks, will tell any of his own prison stories?Probably not.

The Poopy Scale

2007-06-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

Because the crap hitting theatres this summer is so bad, I am introducing a new way to critique movies. Rather than reward a film for how good it is, my scale gives points for stinking. The worse the movie, the more turds it gets.

bad=

awful=

a terrible shit storm=

a mindboggling projection of feces=

Hopefully this new system can help you warn your friends and family before they walk into an impending shit storm.

If you plan on seeing any of the following, be advised:

Spiderman 3 , Shrek 3 , Pirates of the Carribean 3 , Fantastic 4 - fuck it, anything with a number in the title. Oh, and Bug.

A Gentleman's Guide to Douchebags

2007-06-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Douchebaggery is a very serious problem facing our society. This post will help you locate and identify douchebags. Should you discover that you are a douchebag, this post will help you rejoin the rest of society. It will be updated and modified as Douchebags change over time.

If you're not a cowboy but you roll your own cigarettes then you're probably a douchebag.

If you've ever lifted weights in a knit cap, YOU might be a douchebag. While we're at it, let's add collared shirt to that list.

If you've ever left your house looking like this, then you're a douchebag.

Just in: Jeff Bagwell has tested positive - for being a douchebag.

Rise of the Surfer, waste of the money

2007-06-18T10:47:00.001-07:00

I knew going in that Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer was going to stink. I left the theatre amazed at how phenomenally bad it was. I was hoping at least for a visually stimulating action movie with no plot. Instead they tried to piece together what could be considered a character driven story, proving that in some extreme cases, character development actually hurts film making. But alas, that is a blog for another day.

Without getting too geeky, allow me to critique some of their choices.
First off, Jessica Alba didn't even look like a fucking human being. They gave her this bleach blond hair and these ridiculous contact lenses that made her look an android crossed with something out of the movie Dune.

Oh, but in the comics Sue Storm has blonde hair and blue eyes and comic fans don't want to see a hot Latina play Sue Storm. It has to be authentic. So they Anglicize, nay, Aryanize Jessica Alba but have no problem turning Galactus, who is supposed to look like this:
into this:

If you want to know more about the awesome being that is Galactus. By all means, here are some links:
Marvel database
Wikipedia entry

If you took the time to read the information provided by either of those links, or if you've ever read a Silver Surfer comic book, you would know that Galactus is a being with limitless power. The Silver Surfer, who may be able to defeat the Fantastic Four with relative ease, is but a gnat to Galactus. So in the end when he blows himself up or whatever that is he does to prevent Galactus from eating Earth, that would be like if you stepped on a tac and it prevented you from drinking a glass of water after you spent two days walking through the desert.

A spoiler warning might go here, but I doubt anyone is still reading - so fuck it, I'm going to continue.

Dr. Doom is also misrepresented, as well as the Surfer himself. That bit in the movie about the Surfer getting his power from his board is bullshit. If he is separated from his board he doesn't wither into a creature so weak he can barely stand, as depicted. Quote the Marvel website:

"The Surfer's board is composed of the same impervious, cosmic-powered silvery material as its master's skin, and is mentally linked to the Surfer; it moves in response to his thoughts, even when he is not in physical contact with it. The board is almost totally indestructible, but on those rare occasions where it has been damaged or destroyed, the Surfer has been able to repair or even re-create it."

In the comics, standing on the Surfer's board does not give you his powers. In the film Dr. Doom steals the board and gets the Surfer's powers. Then Johnny Storm combines his powers with the Thing and Mr. Fantastic and is able to defeat him. By that logic it would mean that the Super Skrull (see photo) could defeat the Surfer. That's not going to happen.

Basically what I'm saying is, why spend 10 dollars on a ticket when you can just scoop up some dog shit and throw it at a screen for free.

Paris Hilton

2007-06-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

It has been requested that I give my two cents on Paris Hilton's sentencing. I was previously asked to weigh in on Michael Richard's racial trade and I did not, so I thought it only fair to speak on behalf of Ms. Hilton. I'll do my best to make it entertaining.

If getting 45 days in jail seems a little harsh for driving on a suspended license that's because it is. Chances are if you were in the same predicament as Ms. Hilton, you'd do a weekend in the slammer and then a year or so probation.

That being said, a crime of this nature is punishable by 45 days in jail and it's up to the judge to decide how much of that the defendant should serve. The judge has the authority to sentence whatever he deems appropriate within the limits of the law. The jerk off Sheriff decided that she'd had enough and let her out after 3 days. That pissed the judge off so he threw her back in jail.

This isn't Oklahoma circa 1840, the sheriff doesn't get to let you out of jail whenever he thinks you learned your lesson.

Do I feel bad for her? Sure. But 45 days from now she'll be a millionaire again and I'll still be making 12 bucks an hour, so no, not really. But let's examine the facts anyway.

Fact: she was pulled over not once, but twice for driving on a suspended license. And you know those weren't the only two times she drove when it was suspended. She probably drove around thinking her shit didn't stink, but guess what?

Fact: all shit stinks. You can eat a bouquet of flowers, but when it comes out the other end it's gonna smell like shit.

Fact: any sentence less than 24 months is served in a county jail. Nobody in there raped anybody. She's not going to Riker's Island. She's in there with a few prostitutes and a bunch of old ladies who got caught forging prescriptions. And she's in the Beverly Hills jail. There's probably like 9 black people in there. I could do 45 days there standing on my head.

Fact: this is the best thing that could ever happen to her "career". She does the 45 days, she gets a few people feeling sorry for her, she comes out and bingo she's Hugh Grant. If she did 3 days then spent the next 40 pool side at her mansion people would be pissed off.

Fact: the punishment may be harsh, but let's not lose site of the fact that she's actually guilty.

Big Hogs

2007-05-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

You may find the following fascinating and difficult to believe, but like everything else posted on this blog, it is 100% entirely true.

It began on June 17th, 2004 in Alphala, Georgia when the now legendary beast, Hogzilla was gunned down by a mortal man named Chris Griffin. Like Beowulf before him, his story is being turned into a major motion picture.

Hogzilla and the man who slain him.

The mighty Hogzilla was more 8 feet in length and weighed more than 800lbs. The razor sharp tusks he used to eat children and destroy mobile homes were 16 inches long.

Hogzilla was proof that the PBR sold in rural Georgia did not contain hallucinogens, and these people were in fact NOT CRAZY.

Not long after Hogzilla's demise, a new terror rose. This time in rural Florida. I am of course referring to the beast that was...Hog Kong.

Hog Kong: 1,140 lbs

Then...just when you thought it was safe to go back in the woods of the rural south: I give you the Coursey Hog. On January 5th, 2007 - William "Bill" Coursey shot and killed the 1,100 lb hog that bears his name.

Mighty "Bill" Coursey and his big hog.

What, you ask, could be bigger than Hogzilla, more fearsome than Hog Kong and more terrifying than the Coursey Hog? Behold... Monster Pig aka Pigzilla.

Just last week, young Jamison Stone, armed only with his custom made Smith &Wesson M500 somehow brought down the creature now known as Monster Pig.

Monster Pig: 9 ft. 4in - 1,054lbs

Surely Monster Pig is the largest beast to ever roam the earth you say. To that I say feast your eyes upon 1,980lbs of Ton Pig.

The beloved Ton Pig
(He died from obesity in 2004)

UPDATE: The true origin of Monster Pig has been revealed!
Monster Pig was actually a pig named Fred, not a feral hog as originally thought.

Read about it here.

Mystery Solved

2007-05-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Question: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

Answer: Yes, but one person must be really good looking and it is usually one sided.

The DePalma rule

2007-05-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

Behold, the DePalma rule:

If you make three shitty movies in a row that's it. You're done.

I don't care how good your other movies are (Scarface, Casualties of War, The Untouchables, etc) if you make three stinkers in a row, without a decent flick in between, you get kicked out of Hollywood. It's that simple. If Sammy Sosa swings and misses three times in a row, he's out. The umpire doesn't tell him to go ahead and have another crack at it.

Make two pieces of shit and then do something decent, you're in the clear, your count goes back to zero. But three pieces of shit in a row and you're out. You have to start over at the beginning with all the punks coming out of film school.

Let's examine the history:
In 1998 Brian DePalma directed Snakes Eyes. It sucked.
He followed it up with another turd, Mission to Mars.
He comes back with Femme Fatale. Now at this point he should be done, that is three in a row. Instead he is allowed to continue and what do we get? We get The Black Dahlia. Another piece of shit.

Using the DePalma rule let's see who else should be kicked out of Hollywood.

M. Night Shyamalan.
Signs = Suck
The Village = Suck
Lady in the Water = You're out, you had a good run, now go home.

Kevin Smith
Jersey Girl = Suck
Clerks II = Suck
Your next movie better kick ass.

You get the idea. Feel free to add to the list.

In Defense of Celebrities

2007-05-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

Some recent "news", click on the links if you haven't seen them already.

Bruce Willis and 5,000 other people were drunk at an NBA playoff game, but because he is Bruce Willis he was given some face time. He cursed on the air and the announcer had to appologize to the audience for his obscene language. Not a big deal.

Alec Baldwin left an angry message on his daughter's voice mail and caught shit for it. First off, it's his daughter, he can say anything he wants to her. If I had a nickel for every time my parents called me a "fucking idiot", I could get anything I wanted at the dollar store. Second, who knows what she said or did to set him off. Supposedly she was required by a court to answer the phone as part of his visitation rights. He probably planned his day around this conversation. Third, he left it on her voice mail, he didn't even say it to her directly. And finally, it's his daughter, it's his job to give her shit for acting like an idiot.

David Hasselhoff's daughter video taped him drunk out of his skull, lying on the floor, eating a hamburger. The Hoff had to issue a statement about him being an alcoholic and having this relapse and how ashamed he is and blah blah blah. All I see is a guy in some tight jeanos trying to enjoy a hamburger while his punk kid sticks a camera in his face. So he was drunk, big deal. He wasn't driving a school bus. Let the man eat his burger.

Diego Corrales, R.I.P

2007-05-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

I signed on to write another tasteless and mildly funny observation, most likely about why Nickleback sucks so much, but now I'm just not in the mood.

Diego "Chico" Corrales, the most exciting fighter of his generation, died today in a motorcycle accident. He was 29.

Diego Corrales
August 25, 1977 - May 7, 2007

Question

2007-04-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

How come the drumsticks they sell at the grocery store are like 3 times bigger than the drumsticks you get when you order wings? Where do they find these tiny chickens with little tiny legs?

Close Call

2007-04-28T00:56:00.000-07:00

I had to drop off a package in Santa Monica today. Seconds after I made the delivery I realized there was no way I could make it home without crapping my pants. Desperate, I surveyed the area. It was after 6 on a Friday and all of the offices were closed. I tried every door in sight and they were all locked. Only two places were open, a hair salon and a some kind of massage parlor for old people. I assessed the situation and decided the only way I could avoid an accident was to go in for a trim. It cost me 40 bucks, thus making it one of the most expensive dumps I've ever taken, second only to the time I had to reupholster my grandmother's couch.

Bummer

2007-04-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

I was filling up the gas tank yesterday when a bum approached and asked me for spare change. I used my card to buy the gas and didn't have any change so naturally I pretended like I couldn't see or hear him. ¹ Would I have given him change had it been convenient? No, of course not. But, it did get me thinking: what will bums do when our society moves to a paperless credit system? The amount of cash the average person carries has gone down over recent years due to increased use of credit and debit cards ² leaving bums with fewer and fewer business opportunities. This would be like if you sold combs for a living and all the sudden everybody went bald.

1: He was only a foot away so I pulled my shirt over my nose because he smelled bad, thus giving myself away.
2: I have no evidence to back this up, but it seems like it makes sense.

True Story

2007-04-07T16:05:00.000-07:00

I took a dump the other day that was so big, when I stood up and had a look at it I seriously thought for a second that a gila monster had crawled up through the sewer and was living in my toilet.

True Story.

What are the odds?

2007-04-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every time I walk into a locker room somebody is standing directly in front of my locker? I can walk into an empty locker room with 200 open lockers and like clock work there will be one other guy in there, taking his shit out of the locker above mine.

And why does he never have bottoms on? I understand that nobody likes crotch rot, but do you have to air dry your balls in front of my locker? What kind of animal puts his shirt and tie on before he addresses the fact that he's naked from the waist down, save for his socks?

There has to be some great mind out there willing and able to invent something more efficient and less disgusting than a piss filled locker room. Supposedly we can put a man on the moon yet I can't take my shirt off with out brushing past some guy's nuts.

Seriously?

2007-03-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

This might be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Are we seriously making wreaths for Easter now? Is that what we're doing?

When did the unabashed merging of holidays begin and more importantly where does it stop?

Fuck it. Why not take our balls out on this one? Bring in a whole Easter tree, maybe something for Spring, like a nice fig. Dangle some baby teeth from it, glue some pink hearts to it, put a big ol' jack-o-lantern on top.

Oh yeah, that will really get the Jew's jealous.

Juiced

2007-03-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

OK, so Sylvester Stallone was caught with banned substances (i.e. steroids) in Australia. He had 48 vials of human growth hormone which seems like a lot and probably is. He's an old man desperately trying to hold onto the shadow of his youth and he is the only movie star to ever take steroids, ever.

Could you imagine what it would be like if other Hollywood stars took performance enhancing substances?
Like, oh, I don't know, these guys:

What's in a name?

2007-03-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

Few action stars possess the charisma of a Steven Seagal, even fewer possess the range. Seagal teaches us that the key to playing a bad ass character is having a bad ass name and Seagal is the master of bad ass character names.

Here are his five best:

5. Nico Toscani, Above the Law (1988)

Nico Toscani uncovers a deadly weapons trade after a drug dealer he busted is set free by some scumbag federal agents. This former CIA opperative turned badass Chicago detective is forced to go Above the Law to settle the score.

4. Casey Ryback, Under Seige (1992)

When scumbag terrorists take over the U.S. battleship where former Navy Seal Casey Ryback works as a bad ass sous chef, he must go Under Seige to settle the score.

3. Jonathan Cold, Black Dawn (2005)

I haven't seen this film, but I read the review and this is what it says: Badass CIA agent Jonathan Cold goes undercover to settle the score with a group of scumbag terrorists before they blow up Los Angeles. Tagline: "It's always darkest before dawn."

2. Gino Felino, Out for Justice (1991)
When that scumbag Richie shoots Bobby Lupo in broad daylight, the badass Brooklyn detective Gino Felino decides to settle the score and goes Out for Justice.

1. Mason Storm, Hard to Kill (1990)
Mason Storm spends seven years in a coma after he and his family are gunned down by some scumbags. Unfortuntaley for them, Mason Storm is a complete badass who is extremely Hard to Kill. He wakes up with a really long beard, shaves it off, then settles the score.

Now see if you can match the character with his picture:

A. Nico Toscani
B. Casey Ryback
C. Jonathan Cold
D. Gino Filino
E. Mason Storm

1.2.
3.4.
5.

Answer Key: 1. Mason Storm 2. Gino Filino 3. Nico Toscani 4. Jonathan Cold 5. Casey Ryback

Elevator Etiquette

2007-03-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

If you're the type of pretentious douchebag who likes to talk on your cellphone while you're in the elevator, you aren't allowed to give me a dirty look when I take my cellphone out and start talking twice as loud, regardless if there is someone on the other end or not.

ye olde microwave challenge

2007-03-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

We joke about balls here a lot on Verborrhea, but today I want to talk about a serious threat to the health of your testicles: the Microwave.

I don't completely trust the microwave. I'm not totally convinced it doesn't summon the flames of hell to reheat my pasta fagioli. But lets assume for a second that it does in fact use microwaves as its primary cooking agent.

I challenge anyone to press their bare balls up against the door of their microwave for the duration of usage, every time it's used, for one year. To date noone has accepted the microwave challenge, backing up my theory that the microwave is not safe for home use.

When operating your microwave, I recommend protecting your testicles and any other valuables you may want to preserve by wearing a suit like the one pictured.

You may also want to consider destroying your microwave and opting for a more logical cooking solution, like matches. Remeber, it is always better to be safe then sorry.

The Travolta Paradox

2007-03-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

John Travolta was launched into stardom following his acclaimed performance in the now classic Saturday Night Fever, but after he followed it with crappy film after crappy film he was relegated to B-movie status and his career became a punch line.

As you probably know, his career was revived by another acclaimed performance in another classic film: Pulp Fiction. Since then Travolta continued his streak of crappy film after crappy film, yet this time his career thrives. I call this THE TRAVOLTA PARADOX.

The poop that Travolta smeared all over the screen from '77 to '94 is actually better than the fecal matter which he has splattered the screen with post '94. Examine if you will the evidence:

Urban Cowboy, 1980
Blow Out, 1981
Staying Alive, 1983
Two of a Kind, 1983
Perfect, 1985
The Experts, 1989
Look Who's Talking, 1989
Look Who's Talking Too, 1990
Look Who's Talking Now 1993

compare that to:

Mad City, 1997
A Civil Action, 1998
Primary Color, 1998
The General's Daughter, 1999
Battlefield Earth, 2000
Lucky Numbers, 2000
SwordFish, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, 2001
Basic, 2003
The Punisher, 2004
Ladder 49, 2004
Be Cool, 2005
Lonely Hearts, 2006
Wild Hogs, 2007

Ouch.

A tale of horror and fright

2007-02-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. Everybody is sick and tired of hearing about the bat demon that's been terrorizing the people of Tanzania. But just to recap, as of today it has raped at least 4 women and bitten off the tip of a man's penis.

Read about it here.

This reminds me of another story, a tale so gripping and disturbing that it's been etched in my brain forever . It's the tale of a night-predator so brash that once you hear it you will never sleep the same. I am of course referring to...The Bojangler.

Be forewarned: The following story and all of it's terrifying intricacies are entirely, 100% true.

During the academic year of 2004, the Bojangler terrorized the students of Middlebury College in Vermont. An internet search of the topic will uncover no record of the following events because the story was buried, but as any one of the survivors will tell you - it happened.

Middlebury is a very liberal university where students often do not lock or even close their dorm rooms as it is common for them to drift from one room to another, socializing well into the night. But even the most liberal of schools was not ready to embrace... The Bojangler.

One day, a student woke in his bed to find a stranger lying next to him, gently cupping his balls. When the boy screamed the stranger bolted and so it was, the young man had been Bojangled. The scream woke his roomate, but by then the Bojangler had vanished.

Similar events transpired over the next few weeks as students woke up next to a strange man. Sometimes he would be cuddled up next to them resting his strange head on their lap. Other times he would be gazing longingly into their eyes or running his hands through their hair, but usually he gently cupped their balls.

Everyone who would come to be Bojangled told a similar story, that he became frightened upon their waking and sprinted out of the room before anyone got a real good look at him. Many who were Bojangled did not come forward due to fear of being ridiculed or simply because in their confused state thought what just transpired was part of a dream, nay nightmare. Thus, the exact number of people that it happened to is unknown, but estimates range from 7 to 12.

There was no evidence that the Bojangler did any sort of physical damage or caused any bodily harm, but try washing off the feeling of having slept next to a stranger as he gently cupped your balls. That's a long shower.

The closest anyone ever came to catching the Bojangler was when a student managed to grab the sleeve of his jacket, forcing the Bojangler to relinquish it rather than be apprehended. The jacket was turned over to the police and put through a series of tests, all which came back inconclusive, i.e. there was nothing magical about the jacket.

There you have it. The Bojangler's super powers were not derived from his jacket. Not much else is known about him, and so the mystery remains. If you or someone you know has been Bojangled, please come forward because somewhere out there the Bojangler lurks, waiting to Bojangle the innocent.

So here's the plan

2007-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

We've been in Iraq for more than three years and some would argue that things are worse now than when we invaded. Even if you subscribe to the idea that we are making progress you have to admit it is coming along much slower than anticipated. Here is my solution:

We bombard them with porn. We can drop it from the sky. Not video tapes that could land on somebody's head and hurt them, but magazines. Millions of them. We round up every issue of Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Swank, Taboo, Juggs, Backdoor monthly, Leg show, and Nugget that we can find and we drop them by the thousands into Iraq. Then we project as many porno movies as we can onto the sides of whatever buildings are left standing.

Why? Because every 13-year-old would be suicide bomber is going to be fighting over the latest issue of Bottoms Up. Because every sexually repressed 30-year-old virgin is going to disappear into a dimly lit basement and come out wanting more . And because every machine gun toting insurgent will realize that while he's fighting for his 70 virgins he could put his gun down, embrace democracy and have all the sex he can afford.

"That's silly, it will never work" you say. Oh, really? Fact: after hunger, the sex drive is the strongest urge in the human body (heroin not with standing). Fact: Men like porn. Fact: This culture is roughly 700 years behind the west in terms of sexual freedom and expression. Essentially we'd be dropping Jenna Jameson into the middle ages. Fact: It's a lot harder to shoot a rifle with a boner.

Want to win the war? Want to save some lives? Drop the P-Bomb in Iraq.

Peace.

Who the Pappy?

2007-02-14T11:28:00.001-08:00

Many have come forward, but no one knows who the father of little baby Anna Nicole is.

I have examined the evidence and provided the following list of feasible perpetrators.

Larry Birkhead
The former boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith claims "I am the king of that vagina, anything that comes out of it belongs to me"

For: It is hard to argue with his logic.

Against:If his sperm is so powerful, where are all his other babies?

Odds: 3 - 1

Howard K. Stern, esq.

Smith's attorney and "husband" wants the baby really, really a lot.
For: He is listed on the birth certificate as the father.

Against: I am not a doctor but I'm pretty sure in order to make a baby you have to have sex with somebody.

Odds: 60-1

Prince Frederic Von Anhalt
Media whore/ Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. He claims to have made love to Anna Nicole while trying to kick his addiction to Viagra.

For: Why lie about this?

Against: Very hard to get a woman pregnant by batching on her tits.

Odds: 12-1

The Devil

Ruler of Hell and tempter of mankind. He has not been very vocal on the subject to date.

For: The little demon baby comes out and two people die mysteriously. Did they OD or were they smothered by a baby?

Against: Been done before, feels a bit cliche now.

Odds: 20-1

J. Howard Marshall

Supposedly Anna Nicole saved her

late husband's semen and may have used it to impregnate herself as a ruse to get his money.

For: People have done crazier things for money.

Against: Even if he did leave her a handful of semen, which I doubt, you know she didn't preserve it correctly.

Odds: 15-1

Daniel Smith

Anna Nicole's very own son. Could he have had sex with his mother then killed himself from the shame, in turn causing her own aguish laden suicide?

For: It fits together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Against: A real life Oedipus story might be a little much for even Anna Nicole.

Odds: 5- 1

At least it's only skin deep.

2007-02-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

      Most people agree that beauty is subjective. You’ll hear them say things like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some people will tell you that the media has warped our society’s idea of beauty. They claim that we have been brainwashed to accept certain traits and features as a beautiful. The truth is that beauty, as defined as physical attractiveness, is quite objective. While the media has gone out of its way to glamorize beauty it has done little to alter that which is considered beautiful. What it has done is fool people into thinking that they can obtain the high levels of physical attractiveness featured in magazines and on television, resulting in crash diets, eating disorders and trips to the plastic surgeon.
      The reality is that we find symmetry more physically appealing than disproportion. This is true in all of nature as it is with the human face and body. To say that physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder is to deny this natural attraction to symmetry that all humans posses. To say that you, as an individual, find beauty in something that is not physically appealing (i.e. an ugly spouse or Lance Bass) then yes, beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder.
      Rarely does nature do things by accident. It is no coincidence that being overweight is damaging not only to your physical health, but to your outward appearance as well, just as being gaunt is both unhealthy and unbecoming.

Below is a rudimentary comparison of some examples of physical beauty compared to that which is more common among us.

Maya Rudolf is an attractive woman.

She is however, less attractive than Halle Berry.

A)I wouldn't say David Spade is ugly, but he isn't famous for his looks.

B) Lance Bass is an example of someone who is not attractive but was marketed as such.

C)Brad Pitt is a good looking guy.

Below is the desk mask of Queen Elizabeth I. To its right is the death mask of her much more attractive adversary, Mary Queen of Scots.

Queen Elizabeth I                   Mary Queen of Scots

A painting of Elizabeth.              A rendering of Mary.

Mary Queen of Scots would be considered more physically attractive than Elizabeth today, just as she was 500 years ago.

It's all lies

2007-01-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

Perez Hilton has made a name for himself as a gay crusader, outing homosexual celebrities in the name of all things gay. But here's a scoop for you... it's all a lie. Perez Hilton crushes mad pussy. He is a beav hound, not gay at all. Why the fascade? Two reasons, really the same reason. 1) Cash. He has made a lot of money outing celebrities who don't want to be outed. He knows the best way to gain popularity and not come off like a right wing nut is by masquerading as a gay man. 2) Vag. Being that he is not actually gay, he likes to go balls deep in the ladies vagina area. Now that he is a psuedo celebrity himself, the pussy is in abudance.

And the nominees are...

2007-01-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

SHITTY.

It actually wasn't a bad year for movies but judging by the Academy Awards nominations you'd never know that.

The five best movies of the year actually are:

Apocalypto
The Devil Wears Prada
Pan's Labyrinth
Letter's from Iwo Jima
The Queen

The Departed was good. Babel sucked. Little Miss Sunshine was ok.

This is an exceptionally lame post

2007-01-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

How come after more than 20 years of eating cereal I still can't pour the correct amount of milk in my bowl? Either there is too much or not enough.

Arby's

2007-01-15T18:00:00.000-08:00

I was enjoying a meal at Arby's earlier today when I blew a fart much louder than I would have liked... nobody so much as looked at me funny. Maybe the people at Wendy's ought to take a page out of their book.

P.S. I had the roast beef. It was delicious.

here's one

2007-01-13T21:00:00.000-08:00

How come it only takes one person to write a book but you need about 10 people to write a screenplay?

Happy now?

2007-01-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

After a man plummeted to his death from the Golden Gate Bridge police searched his home and found a suicide note.

This is what it said:

"I'm walking to the bridge. If one person smiles at me I won't jump."

I wonder

2007-01-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'd never seen the movie Just One of the Guys and I turned it on in the middle, how long would it take me to realize that Terri is a chick?

It's hard to say, but I'm thinking like maybe 12 seconds.

Idea

2007-01-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

They should randomly switch around area codes every 10 years or so. That way the jackasses who get their area code tattooed on them will feel really, really stupid.

You shoulda seen it coming.

2006-12-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

Have you been feeling like an idiot lately? You have? Is there a thin beard outlining your chin? There is?
Five years ago this look and tickets to a drag race might have scored you a girl's phone number. So how come now you look like a douchebag?

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there were men who let their hair grow flowing long in the back, all the while keeping it neat and trim in the front. And these men got laid. Until one day something terrible happened... the cocaine wore off. Now these men are ridiculed as they walk down the street. They find safety only at rodeos and minor league hockey games.

You sir, you with the chin strap.
This is your future.

man oh man

2006-12-19T22:15:00.000-08:00

The following story was taken from the BBC news and can be found on their website in its original form.

A top Indian woman athlete who won a silver medal at a recent regional championship has failed a gender test, officials say.
Santhi Soundararajan, who took the silver in the women's 800m race at the Asian Games in Doha, has been stripped of her medal, reports say.

Soundararajan, 25, was declared the best athlete at an Indian championship in the capital, Delhi, this year.

The test is not mandatory, but is carried out if officials want it or a rival team protests, reports say. KP Mohan, a sports journalist, said athletes were usually examined by a team of doctors, including a gynaecologist, endocrinologist and psychologist, and put through physical and clinical examinations during a gender test.

The test was carried out soon after Soundararajan came second in the women's 800m race on 9 December.

I feel bad for this woman, in part for being internationally outed as man, but also because she isn't a cheater yet must be treated as such. Meanwhile, noone is talking about the real story here - somebody beat this dude.

Six in one

2006-12-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

Paris Hitlon is widely considered a no talent celbutante, famous only for being famous, yet Johnny Knoxville somehow has a legitimate acting career. She's good looking and likes sucking cock. He's goofy and likes taking shots to the balls. Why is he any more qualified to be famous?

twat shot

2006-11-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears joined Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton as the latest celebrity to flaunt her sloppy vag in front of paparazzi yesterday in what was obviously a premeditated event. What she should have done was strap on some kind of prosthetic penis and dangle that out the bottom of her skirt. Let the paparazzi snap a few pics of that, cause a real stir.

Click to see Britney's vagina.

trickle down Pacino

2006-11-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

Al Pacino is a big big star. As of today he's appeared in more than 45 films. Granted he’s only played 3 characters but he’s been fantastic as each one. Problem is, not everybody can afford a big star like Pacino. So sometimes they get Andy Garcia, the poor man’s Al Pacino. Thing is, a poor man’s Al Pacino is still pretty expensive so sometimes they have to get Anthony LaPaglia, the poor man’s Andy Garcia. Even his price is a little high for some so they go and get Ron Silver, the poor man’s Anthony LaPaglia a.k.a. the poor poor poor man’s Al Pacino.

The Al Pacino Succession.

Al Pacino

Andy Garcia, the poor man's Pacino

Anthony LaPaglia, the poor poor man's Pacino

Ron Silver, the homeless man's Pacino

Thanksgiving

2006-11-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

Once upon a Thursday, many years ago, after they landed on Plymouth Rock, but before they started burning witches, the Pilgrims sat down with the Indians and begat a tradition. They called it Thanksgiving because they thanked the Indians for their food and gave them smallpox.

Thanksgiving is the most underrated holiday of all mantimes. Why? Because unless you’re selling turkeys or cranberries, Thanksgiving isn’t making you any cash. And since very few people can profit from it, it gets overlooked. There are no costumes to buy, cards to mail, flowers to send, or presents to give. There is only turkey.

In a consumer driven society filled with green beer, candy hearts, President’s day sales, and bunnies that have nothing to do with resurrections, Thanksgiving stands alone as an untouchable, mascot free holiday.

Besides that, it'is the most unabashedly American day of the year. It's as complex and dynamic as our history and culture. It is a time for being grateful, a tradition of the best intentions, yet simultaneously a reminder of a past marred with unforgivable grievances.

Don’t fuck with Thanksgiving.

Hate with a conscious

2006-11-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

If I asked what your opinion of K-Fed is, chances are you'd have something negative to say. Why? Because you don't like his music or his attitude? That's funny because all he's doing is living the American dream. Do you hate America?

Some jealous loser painted a target on this dude's back and now he's the guy everyone can make fun of without catching shit for it. But not this asshole. I like this guy K-Fed, I like his style. I'm not going to shit on his lawn like everybody else. I've never heard his music and I don't need to. It probably sucks, but so does 2/3 rds of the shit on the radio. I'm tired of people making fun of safe celebrities. Grow some fucking balls and make fun of the real shit out there and the idiots who support it. I'll get you started.

Jojo: Fuck Jojo, I'm tired of her. Tired, tired, tired, TIRED of Jojo.
Chad Kroeger: The dump I took this morning sounded better than Nickelback. Where is the justice in a world where this guy gets laid?
Fergie: This idiot is making 10 times as much money as you. Think about that.

slow down #2

2006-11-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

If you've ever been in a bar fight and didn't put your drink down, you may want to think about taking a little break from drinking.

Call to action

2006-11-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

Who up and decided pants should have a complete and total monopoly on bottomwear? I'm tired of pants. There are all types of underwear: boxers, briefs, boxerbriefs, thongs. Yet there is only pants. Pants suck, they squeeze your balls too much. Imagine if other products squeezed your balls as much as pants do. What if your new tv squeezed your balls every time you tried to watch it? Or what if that garage door opener you just installed gave your balls a squeeze every time you parked your car? I doubt you'd put up with it for very long. Yet here you sit, reading this very sentence, while a pair of no good pants has your balls in a vice. Fuck pants.

I keep hustlin'

2006-10-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

The new ten dollar bill is such a deviation from the traditional look of our currency that a lot of cash handlers don't know what to expect anymore. I drew a picture of Hillary Clinton on a Starbucks napkin and told the girl at Walmart it was the new 50. Bought myself a new pair of pants and still had enough left over to put a payment down on a semi automatic assault rifle.

Hustlin'

2006-10-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

If you've listened to a hip hop record in the last 5 years then you've probably heard the term hustlin'. A trained ear will tell you hustlin' is actually dervived from the English word hustling. To hustle someone is to swindle them, trick them, or cheat them out of something.

All this hustlin’ you keep hearing about must mean a great many people are walking around this country fuming mad that they got hustled, that or hustlin' is quickly becoming the most over used, misused word in the hip hop community. The following is an argument in favor of the latter.

Selling cocaine doesn't make you a hustler. It makes you a drug dealer. If you sell baking soda and tell people it is cocaine, you are a hustler. If you sell knockoff watches for 10 dollars you are not a hustler, you are a guy who sells trinkets. If you sell knockoff watches for 1200 dollars you are probably a hustler. If you win money playing dice you are lucky, if you cheat and don't get caught, congratulations you're a hustler. Remeber: In order for a hustle to take place someone has to get hustled. Thus, a prostitute who sucks cock for money is no more a hustler than a crackhead who sucks cock for money.

It's the thought that counts

2006-10-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

I always feel bad when I go into a restroom where there is a bathroom attendant and I don't have any singles to leave for a tip. Take last night for example. I drop a royal dump in what is essentially this man's office. He washes my ass out with warm water then towel dries my balls and all I can offer in return is a handshake and a thank you. I'll be the first to say it - sometimes this world is plain old unfair.

Slow down

2006-10-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

If you've ever brought a girl home from a wild night out and held your breath as you removed her panties, praying you wouldn't see a penis, then maybe it's time you took a little break from partying.

Deballed

2006-10-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

Advertisers love idiots because idiots buy shit. This is the complete and total reason why decent TV shows have a life span of about 5 episodes. While you're scratching your head wondering how your favorite TV show got cancelled, 30 million morons are watching washed up celebrities dance around in glitter pants.

So you invest 3 weeks in some new show that isn't half bad and just when it starts to get interesting they pull the plug. That's you being made an ass of. Take this show Studio 60, it's far from event television but it's a decent show, if it makes it to the end of the season I'll be surprised. It would be the number 1 show on TV if the producers told the actors to use their real names and pretened it was real. This what they do with the other bullshit people watch. It's all fucking fake (except for Mindfreak, that dude is for real).